Last day of 2012

Last day of the year... I've got no new resolution for next year.. I'm On my way to work.. I'm working at ginny and friends on wed from 7am to 1pm and sat 830am to 6pm.. On wed after working at ginny and friends, I'm working at ns at 2pm shift.. So it's double for me on Wednesday.. Next mon, I'm starting my 4th reservist.. 6 more to go before I complete my 10 cycle.. I can do it..

All settled

My pay is in.. All bills settled.. Monthly allowance for both my parents given.. Whatever I have now is for me to save up and spent.. Although I have lesser to spent and save up this month coz I started work mid dec, I will try my best to save up.. Next month I will earn more as I have 4 days of ot this month.. Plus I will be working with ginny and friends, so my financial next month will be slightly better.. On my way to work now.. I've done all the backups as of yesterday.. Main, civet, g1 and g2.. I've worked the wolf, serval, civet and hyena.. What I left to do is presentation.. I've completed doing show in the zoo.. From zoo amphi to afs.. I've done husbandary, animal tràining, animal back up, presentation and did sound.. For ns, I've done all the back up, sound and light, photo and sound.. Way I'm left to do is presentation.. Otherwise I've completed doing all shows in the zoo and ns.. It's raining now.. Sigh..

Moving on

I'm moving on.. I want to forget about Karmilah totally.. Seriously... I know I can do it.. I know I can do it.. Nurul, one of my ex this year which we didn't last long, I hope you are doing great now.. Yes, I didn't contact you anymore coz I'm still hurt by what you did.. That's why I ask for a break up.. So take care and enjoy your life..

271212

I've decided to join back my floorball club and play with them in the new upcoming season.. So yup.. I did shah the civet on show yesterday night.. Haahahaha.. That naughty boy keep playing with me on stage.. I've done almost what all the back up does.. Today, I will try doing the serval.. Tmr will be the first time that I'm going to be show ic at ns.. I can do it.. Hopefully all goes well and I know that I can do it.. I love the song title breathless by Shane ward.. It's so nice and meaningful.. It reminded me of Karmilah.. Seriously, I'm starting to feel my body is not as strong as before.. I realized I can't work long stretch anymore.. My body is not like last time.. Where I can just keep on working.. Sigh..

17 days

I just realized that I'm working 17 days straight without an off.. My only off day at ns, I worked 11 hrs at ginny and friends.. So yup.. Back to old days where working stretch is normal and robbing of our life.. Hahahaha... Today I was supposed to have dinner with poh choo and hirni at vivocity but I can't make it.. I'm so sorry guys.. Sigh.. Oh god, please help me to erase off my dark moments off from my mind.. Although it has subside, but it still haunts me.. I still keep thinking abt them.. I want to forget about them totally.. On my way to work now.. Just as I guess it, this fri I will be the show ic.. Ns staff called me, mr everything for I learnt all the show backup within 2 weeks and cleared to do it alone.. Ns manager say, he wants me to be a show ic coz he knows I can do it.. He heard from the managers at the zoo how I worked.. So far, I've got no problem at work for I know not to get involved in politics.. I just do my own business.. Ns staff also starting to open up and be comfortable with me.. I will be 29 years old in exactly 7 months time.. Time flies..

Cool day

It's a cool Christmas morning.. On my way to work.. I will be working pm shift till further notice.. I'm having my reservist from 7th jan 2013 to 11th jan 2013.. This will be my 4th Ict.. I have 6 more ict to go.. My dream is to live in a forest full of different kinds of animals.. They are the best creatures on earth to live in with..

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all.. Hahahhaha.. Had an enjoy full night at work today.. On my way home.. 2 of the Filipinos contract will not be extended and they have to stop work immediately as of today.. And they are only left with 1 ic which is also a Filipino.. He's going back home for holiday this week and guess what, i have to be an ic.. What the hell.. A lot of crash course for me.. Rather refresher course.. I'm cleared to do everything a back up does and I'm left working he wolf on stage and the serval... Haiz.. And I won't be getting my off till next year.. As my schedule for off this sat and sun, I have to ot.. Wy lah why lah.. That means I'm on 11 days stretch of work till next month roster is out.. My manager doesn't want me to work in the morning coz he feels I can do more in show and animal training.. So that means I don't have animal husbandry until further notice.. Haiz..

Not in the mood

I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone at work today.. It sucks.. I won't get into those politics anymore.. It has changed me.. I'm not that I'm used to be anymore.. Because of those work politics.. Sigh.. Will be meeting up with poh choo and hirni for dinner at vivociy soon.. Can't wait to see them.. It's been so long I last met both of them.. A lot of catching up to do I guess.. I cant remember the last time i had a meal with my friends or colleagues.. And I'm still the only one that is still stuck with ns and zoo work.. I can't believe I last this long and it's the animals that motivates me to stay on.. Too bad that Singapore has a very limited places for animal centre.. If not, I will be gaining experience from those places...

I'm so so so tired

Just ended work.. Waiting for transport now.. I'm so so so tired.. Politics at ns is worst than last time.. All are spoilt.. I don't care.. I'm just going to do my job.. I won't hide things like last time.. I will say the truth on the spot.. I won't keep it in me.. No point.. I should start covering myself and don't let people bring me down.. I won't mix around much.. For I'm just going to talk about work.. That's it.. Other than that I'm just going to keep quiet.. I know it's not me but I have to be like this.. I'm so piss off with all these politics.. It's never ever going to be changed..

Christmas coming soon

I just realized that I haven't been shopping for over 2 years.. Omg... Hahahaha.. What shall I get for Christmas?? Hahahaha.. I want to get a lot of stuff but its a waste of money.. For its just a want not a need... So yup, I guess I shall not buy any stuff.. Hahahahaa.. On my way to work.. Today OT.. 2013 is coming soon too.. My life now consist only about work.. Nothing else.. I don't have other commitment... I'm still thinking whether I should start playing floorball again with my old floorball club which is competing in Singapore floorball league div 3 next month.. Sigh..

Overnight stay cancelled

My overnight stay at ginny and friends with some of the boarding dogs from 26th dec to 28th dec is cancelled.. Due to some of them shortened their stay.. But it's okie.. Will have other chances to do so.. On my way to work now.. Nearly 2 weeks I started work at ns.. I've been learning how to be an afternoon Ic and show ic.. I've been cleared for many stuff within these 2 weeks.. There are people that are not happy that im progressing very fast.. They doesn't know that I've been working with the company for years.. I don't mind.. Let them talk.. I will just do my job wisely.. I won't talk much.. I've learnt my lesson.. If they entrust me to be an ic, than I will do a good job.. Old ns staff came up to me and ask me, ever since I work at ns, I've not been talking much to people... I told them, I will only talk when necessary and about work only.. I won't really mix around much.. For once bitten, twice shy.. The new staff are amazed on how the 2 wolves reacted to me when I first work with them.. I just smiled.. For I know, I work with a pure heart, understanding the animals and that makes it easier for me to work with them.. The race is so negative for the wolve for I'm pretty sure many negative things has happened to them in the race.. I've been releasing and confining the wolves without any problem so far.. Well, tmr ot at night safari.. They don't have manpower for training.. Training is my passion.. So I will do it well and learnt from everywhere that I can..

Dooms day

Heading to work now.. In the bus 172 to cck.. Well, I've been single for a while and has not had a proper relationship ever since Karmilah.. I just have to wait patiently for the right one.. Maybe god has someone better waiting for me out there..ginny and friends has increased my pay.. $6 an hr.. Hahaha.. I'm going to be good at what I'm doing now.. I won't talk much at work.. No point..I don't want to get involve in politics.. It's the worst.. I'm seriously looking for other races for my next relationship.. Strictly no malay and Indian.. Had enough of them..

So sleepy

On my way to ginny and friends to work.. I'm so so sleepy.. Slept around 2am and woke up at 6am.. Haiz.. Yest nite work that's why.. I have to endure this rough patches..I must and will do well in animal training.. Audrey really reminds me of Karmilah.. Haiz.. I can't stop thinking of Karmilah whenever I see Audrey at work..

No off this week

I've got no off this week.. Tues, thurs and sun my actual off day.. But tues and sun I want to ot and thurs I'm working at ginny and friends.. So ya.. No off.. I have to stay strong.. I can do it.. On my way to work now.. Even though my body is aching, I will still work.. I don't like to take mc.. 7 months time, I will be 29 years old.. Time flies.. Hahaha.. And I'm still single.. Lol

Body aching

My body is aching.. Hahaha.. Normal.. After 3 months, my body is back to doing husbandry and animal training.. After a while, it will be gone.. Today is my off day but ot today.. I want to learn and do animal training.. That's why I'm putting in all the effort and time that I have.. Animal training and working with them is my passin.. If ever I were to go into a relationship, I will try to find someone like Karmilah.. Hahahahaha.. Just thinking out loud.. On my way to work now.. Will be doing afternoon shift regularly..

16122012

On my way to work.. I will like to venture out of Singapore to work with overseas zoo.. If I have the chance, I will grab it.. I'm not letting it go.. Seriously.. I'm tired to go into relationship.. Juz too tired.. Sigh..

She talk to me

I went back to the zoo just now.. Met Audrey.. She talked to me.. Oh god.. Plz Audrey.. Don't talk to me.. You reminded me of Karmilah.. Haiz.. Audrey has a boyfriend.. If she don't have a boyfriend, I definitely will go after her.. But first she has to accept the truth and fact that I has a child.. Miss you son and my dearest Karmilah.. I will do well in animal training and I must.. To prove those bastards wrong.. They will get their karma soon.. I really hope.. Ive become stronger now and I won't let anyone take advantage of me anymore.. Just you wait people.. Results will prove you guys wrong.. Damn bastards... Now that I'm back at ns show, I will show result soon.. Give me time people.. I will rise through the ranks..

Haiz

Next month will be 4 years that I'm separated with Karmilah.. I'm still waiting for her.. Is this my fate to be waiting for her?? Coz the 2 relationship I had after Karmilah doesn't last more than a month.. For my heart still says to wait for Karmilah.. Haiz.. I guess I will just have to keep on waiting.. Even if Karmilah is divorce, I will accept her back with 2 hands for I still have a huge responsibility towards her and the child.. The reason that cause us to separate, is not truth.. Only god knows it.. How I wish I didn't see my friend coincidencely on that fateful day.. Arrgghhh...

Audrey

Audrey is a staff at ns show, where I'm working now.. She really reminds me of Karmilah.. The way she behaves, her posture, her dressing, her smoking posture and everything thing... All her actions is very similar to Karmilah.. Haiz.. I miss Karmilah a lot.. Really a lot.. And my child too.. Sad..

First day at night safari

Today I started working at night safari.. On my way home inside transport.. I'm learning to be the show I'd on my first day.. Well.. Ok la.. I miss Karmilah.. Shit man.. I think I'm still waiting for her even though I know that she's married.. Haiz..

Back to old work

Coming Monday, I'm starting work at night safari., the same place that I started off in 2005.. I didn't expect this coming.. Never mind.. I just gotta work.. I'm spending all my time there now.. Gonna pump in a lot of ot if I can take it.. I miss my son.. That's all in my mind now.. I know that I'm hoping for a miracle that is not going to happen.. Hahaha.. I just have to laugh it out loud.. My life is bored now.. I have very limited friends now for right now I know who is my real true friend.. The others I can't be bother to keep in touch.. It's already 230 am and yet I'm still wide awake.. Haiz.. Y can't I just sleep?? Lol

Starbucks marina

It's been so long I've been to Starbucks marina... And here I am today.. Chilling out as usual having chocolate chip frappucino grande.. All alone.. Tmr is nurul's daughter birthday.. 1 year old... Time flies.. I'm lazy to blog ah..

My last day at ginny and friends

Today marks the last day I worked at ginny and friends.. I'm going to start my night safari career in December.. I definitely going to miss all the dogs there.. My colleague treat me to Burger King, my boss give me extra $100 pay for farewell gift and bel, Jo both happy owner give me a dog plush toy with happy's picture and a short message.. I'm so touch by bel and Jo.. The rest of the dog owner wishes me luck.. Even though I work there for 3 months plus, they all liked me.. They asked me to come and work when I'm free.. They have seen me interact with their dogs through webcam and with their own eyes..I definitely going to miss beagle happy the most.. Lol..

Hanging on

Now, I'm hanging on.. Preserving through my bad times of life... Haiz.. Financially unstable for over 3 months.. When I start ns next month, I will work ot whenever there is need to.. I need money.. Even though I will feel very tired.. No choice.. I'm still thinking whether to join and play floorball once again.. Can't make up my mind.. Haiz.. This week marks my last week of work at ginny and friends.. It's a great learning experience and journey for me.. I've met a lot of dogs.. Yesterday, some of the dog owners that knows I'm leaving, wishes me luck in my next career and they are sad that I'm leaving and won't be working as often as now... Just 3 months, I've built this close relationship with the dog owners.. They are pleased with how I handle and interact with their dogs... Animals are my best friend ever.. No one can ever replace it.. I've been working with these lovely creatures ever since I am 20 years old.. They have been part of my life ever since.. No words can describe how enjoy I am.. I'm pretty sure sure, when I retire, my job will still be something to do with the animals.. I miss my son... 7 more days, my son will be 2 years 6 months old.. That's fast and I have not seen him yet from the day he was born.. Sigh.. I miss you son..

Strong

I've become more stronger now.. I will do my best when I go back and work... I will prove it those who bad mouth me and look down on me.. Just wait and see..

Happy the Beagle

Happy, you have touch my heart deeply even though I just work there for about 3 months... Out of so many dogs that I took care, we are close... Every single day without fail, I will coax you to sleep on my lap... All for your own good.. I know you have epilepsy and that's why I pay attention to you and make sure you have enough rest... I know we don't live together, but the bond we had everyday is enough for me... You are mischievous and a smart dog.. I'm going to miss you.. Coz next month onwards, I won't be seeing you everyday... As I'm starting to work at night safari.. I will come and work when I'm free k so that I can see you.. If you are gone one day and I won't get to see you, I will regret but I know you have moved on to a better place up there.. Son, I miss you.. I don't know your name and son is the only name that I can call you.. I don't know if I still can go into relationship.. Coz my heart says that I still love of Karmilah and misses her and our child... I still keep thinking of her.. Haiz... Right now I'm single for months already.. I guess I will leave it as it is.. I'm lazy to search for a new partner..

Truth hurts

I'm starting night safari next month.. Yesterday, kuar wanted to see me and I went.. I told him the truth.. If those of you guys who think I won't tell the truth or I won't speak up, you are wrong.. I did it yesterday... I have to protect my name and clear my name.. You guys have been saying things about me.. I don't care if its the truth.. I accept it.. Now it's my turn to tell the truth about you guys.. You guys makes thing difficult for me when I wanted to apply for the job.. I don't want to tell the truth but you guys make me do so.. So ya.. Don't blame me for doing so.. You guys started it first..

3 months

Been 3 months without a stable job... I do have a few offers but it doesn't suit me.. I still want to work with animals and Singapore has very limited... Haiz.. Miss my son.. Haiz

I'm staying strong

I'm staying strong...I've realized who are my true friends and who are not.. People continue to talk bad things about me while I'm not in the zoo.. All are lies.. Are they scared of me going back to work?? Those people are childish and insecure idiots.. Haiz.. Sad to know this.. I miss my son badly.. Next month, he's 2 and half years old.. Time flies.. Be a good boy.. Listen to your parents and aunts uncle.. If you have siblings, take care of them, when you grow old.. Love you son..

Stress over money is fuck up

Shit.. I hate to always think about money... Money and money.. It changes people's life.. Fuck... Haiz..I emailed Dao from khao kheow zoo in Thailand yesterday.. Just asking her how she is and everything.. She replied and she still remember me even though we just met once in Singapore... Will be looking forward to go there one day... When can I get a proper job with a decent pay?? I'm been financially gone these few months... Fuck and a shitty feeling..

Miss my son right now

Where are you my dear son?? I miss you so much... Haiz... Hope you are doing fine and well.. Remember to heed your mum and step dad advise.. Don't make them angry...

happy, hope you are fine

happy the beagle suffer one of the worst epilepsy at the center.. hope shes feeling better now after bringing her to the vet the other day.. miss her though.. hahahaha.. smart and mischievious dog.. nurul, sms her late last night.. i didnt reply to her msg.. why did she suddenly msg me? because raudah doesnt want her anymore? because no one to entertain her?.. well, im moving on with my life now... i wont reply to any of her msg... im not important in her life anymore and i dont see any point in keeping in contact with each other.. she dont like me contacting me my ex and this same goes to her.. i wont contact her or any of my ex.. shes consider as my ex.. shall not talk about her anymore..

I felt for nurul

Nurul is going a bad times in her relationship.. I felt for her.. I've been through what she is going through now.. Although she didn't mention me in her blog as one of the person that left her, I will still pray for her.. I want to be by her side and give her strength.. But I guess better not.. Nurul, what ever it is, pull yourself up.. It's not the end of the world.. There's so many guys and girls out there... If you happen to read this, do contact me.. I will give you my best advise as I've gone through this.. God, please give nurul the strength to carry on and move on..

I'm getting stronger each day... Yes I am.. Yes my love life is a failure... But the next one definitely will be a better relationship.. I learn from it and improve... Takes time for me to find another girl.. Why the rush?? Hahaha.. It will only look bad on you coz too many break up relationship.. So I'm taking my time.. No hurries.. Just get to know more friends.. That's all..

On my way to work.. Anger 11 hrs of work later.. I've been giving encouraging to myself.. My assistant manager also has been encouraging me most of the time.. I'm lucky to have met him.. Meet him every week for lunch or dinner.. We will sit down and talk for a few hours.. I got to know this Chinese lady in the train.. First look of her, she's pretty, sexy.. Yes, she meet my criteria of not being a maly girl but she's a Singaporean,.. Which I don't want.. I guess being friends for now will be the best option..

Tired

I'm on my way home.. Damn tired.. 11 hours of work.. Lol.. Now, I never think about nurul or Karmilah anymore.. Totally out of my mind.. I can't be bother with their life anymore.. I deserve a better one.. Rest assured that I will get a better girl than them.. I just have to wait patiently.. Tmr another 11 hours of work.. Haiz.. Ok la... Blog till here..

Working like mad

This week I'm working like mad.. Long hours.. 10 to 12 hours everyday.. I need to earn money.. I'm just a part time.. I rejected their full time coz of pay.. Everyday and every week I'm struggling with money... Haiz... I promise I will do well and earn back all the money.. Big money making coming soon... I have to endure this rough patch.. I have to learn animal training now.. And prove to people that I can do it.. I have the confidence that I can.. This is the part that I miss having a partner.. I've got no one to share my life with.. I'm motivating myself now.. Haiz..

I'm making a strong comeback

Watch out afs people... I'm making a very strong comeback.. I will make sure, I take over you guys and change the system there.. Mark my words... You guys will regret it.. I've played my card very well and you guys have fallen for it.. You people have shown your true colors towards me.. Hahahaha.. I've won half of the battle.. I will make the show more better and exciting than the current show.. Just wait and see.. Even if it means to shut down the show, I will do it and bring it up to the management.. I shall not talk any further.. Let the action begins..

Animal training school

Last Friday met up with my assistant manager for dinner after I end work.. We talked until 11 pm.. We met near his house coffee shop.. Sue lyn, an ex zoo staff, asked him whether he can do animal training as she wants to do it and she has a pet shop... Richard told her about me.. I will be under Richard.. Whatever training I will take charge and take instruction from Richard not sue lyn.. Coz our company and her company are two different company.. I'm so excited.. I'm ready to take up the challenge and work with Richard.. Lets see when will be the first day.. Lol

I'm right

Just as I guessed it... I'm right.. Nurul and raudah has something going on with each other from last time.. Now they have broke off.. I guess karma is hitting nurul.. She deserved it.. Thanks nurul for hurting me and not taking care of my heart.. I know you didn't appreciate me.. So yah.. It's all about you.. Now you got the same fate to as what you did to me.. If you ever MSG me, I won't respond to your msg or call... Good luck nurul.. I'm on my way to work.. Well be sending sparky and posh home today.. After which sending my boss car back to woodlands for the other driver to drive on Monday.. I miss doing animal training so much.. I want to get back doing that soon.. Haiz... I really hope the animal training school that I'm going to set up, will work... Pray hard..

On my way to work.. I'm opening the shop today... Haiz.. So sleepy... Endure endure.. I have more knowledge now about dogs than the afs staff.. They are just a small bunch of people who works without an open mind.. They can't go far.. I'm happy that I've left the place.. I promise to make a comeback and bring all of them down.. Yes.. All of them.. I'm going to change the system there and work together with my ex assistant manager.. We hope to open animal training school in Singapore.. Fuck you people.. I'm going to be an establish animal trainer one day and produce a very good show.. Make you feel ashamed of yourself.. Well, I do feel lonely.. Seriously, I need a companionship.. What to do.. I don't have one.. Haiz..

I'm not perfect

I'm not a perfect person.. I never meant to do those things to you.. There's so many things that I wished I didn't do.. The reason is gone... I still love you.. I found a reason to show.. I wished you can give me another chance..

I need someone to be with me.. I need a companion.. That's all... Haiz... I will just wait for her to appear... I don't want to find my companion.. Let it appear by herself.. I'm on my way to work now.. Starting at 10am today.. I'm closing the shop today.. I should start marketing about my animal training to people now.. Slowly.. Hopefully they will get back to me to train their animals...

Congrats bro

Congrats to my best and close friend.. He's married as of today.. I'm one of his witness during his soleminaization.. His wife is a Chinese convert to Islam.. Their marriage cert has my name as their witness.. Hahaha.. First time in my life I'm a witness to a a marriage couple.. It's an eye opener.. They do it at ROM.. Short and simple ceremony.. Save a lot of time and money.. I want to follow suit.. Too.. But definitely I'm not going to marry Singaporeans girls.. They are too high maintenance and etc.. I'm looking into Balinese people.. Heard a lot that they are nice, sweet and humble people.. So I may try my luck there.. Hahaha... Today went to ROM in the morning, go back to groom houses to relax and eat, husband and wife and myself went to watch movie in the afternoon and came back to their house to prepare for the doa selamat after margribh.. I'm proud to be their witness.. They ask me when it's my turn... I told them still long way to go.. I haven't thought of it as of now..

I'm so stone today

My best and close friend marriage tmr.. I'm his best man and witness.. Have to go to ROM tmr morning by 9am.. First time in my life.. Lol.. I'm quite excited.. Congrats bro... I'm the last one to get hitch and marry.. Lol.. I'm so tired today and was stoning at work most of the time.. When can I get better income?? I really hope the dog training school that I'm going to set up will be a success and earn more income.. For the start will be difficult but I'm confidence it can happen.. Now in the process of just planning.. 2 days time, my son will be 3 years and 6 months.. Haiz.. Dad miss you so much my dear son.. Dad wants to hug you, kiss you, hear you talk and everything that a dad wishes for towards his son.. Sigh..

Quit smoking?

I was smoking at a playground near my workplace.. An old lady came up to me.. Boy ah, you are very young.. Why you smoke?? I just smile.. She told me her family story and all.. I just listen as no harm listening so yah.. Should I quit smoking?? Is it a sign for me to stop smoking?? I don't know lah.. I'm on my way to work.. I open shop today... It's only 5.30 am and I'm already in the train.. Sigh..

Dog Training School

My assistant manager and I are planning to start a dog training school in Singapore.. We will meet up and discuss... I have to start doing some work and planning now.. It will be exciting... Hahahah.. I hope this will come true and it always been my dream to do that.. If success, who knows I can employ workers and they will be under me.. Hahahaha.. But it will tough in the beggining.. It will.. Patience and hardwork.. On my way to work now.. Closing shop today.. Sigh..

My friend sis wedding

On my way to my friend sis wedding.. Once in a blue moon I'm attending a wedding.. I'm so bored.. The tiredness I still have it.. Bills all settle except hp bill.. Will settle it by this weekend.. Although its overdue.. I don't care.. I'm financially tight every day.. I'm not going to bother about Karmilah anymore.. I'm just hoping to see my son and do my part as a father.. That's all.. But I don't know how to start... We are not in contact anymore.. Haiz... I will be working everyday except Sunday.. At least 11 hours a day.. Haiz.. Fuck... I have to.. Working part time is like that.. More hours work, more income... Haiz...

Endure the rough times

I must endure all this.. It's a test from god.. I can pull through this... With determination, perseverance and patience... Pebble a cocker spaniel has caught my heart.. She's sweet... Looks like faith.. Miss faith actually.. Hahaha.. I can't be too close to them.. I can't.. There's a reason to it.. I don't want to be so attached to them and it will be difficult to do training with them, if I have the chance to.. I'm so tired this week.. Tmr going to my friend sis wedding.. Haiz.. Tired tired..

I should give up on her

Saw Karmilah Facebook.. Her profile picture is with her husband and my son.. She still as pretty as before.. They look so happy together.. Fuck.. I should give up waiting for her.. She's happy now.. How I wish I could turn back the time and I will avoid that matter that happen on that curseful day.. Haiz.. Sigh.. Son, I'm very sorry... I need to move on.. I don't have a stable job now.. I'm facing financial crisis.. Worse time I'm going through now..I need to do my best and learn things while I can..so that I can earn money.. I'm already 28 and yet I've got no plans to get marry.. Who in this world wants me? With my state of mind in this way and my ugly personality... No girls will want to even look at me.. I'm just too tired now to go dating and relationship, to be frank.. Oh well, worse come to worse, I need to find 2 jobs.. One day job and the other night job.. I have to.. Even if it means that I have to sacrifice my sleep.. My turn will come to lead an easy life.. Everyday, I walk pass those terrace house and bungalow, I'm so jealous.. With swimming pool in their house, sports car etc.. How in the world they make so much money.. I dream of staying in that type of house.. But it can just be a dream.. I've not much time left.. I shall not behave in a low manner.. I must carry myself high up and do well in near future so that I can be successful.. I'm thinking of opening a shop, but I don't have the capital to start with.. If I'm rich, I could easily buy a land and open a shop... Sigh...living in Singapore really needs a lot of money.. No money, you will die and suffer.. When can I have my dreams of having my own animal training school.. What stops me is just basically money.. Money is always an issue.. Sigh.. Sigh..

You are still in my heart

Your name, your face, our times together are still carved in my heart and stil fresh in my mind.. That is you Karmilah... Even though you are married to some one else and you may have another child with your husband, insyallah, I will still wait for you.. I will still accept you back in my life... It's going to be 4 years soon since we broke up.. You still understand me e best and you give me your full love towards me even though along the way your love for me grows stronger.. Karmilah, I miss you.. And I miss our child too..

Going through tough patches now

Im going through a very bad times now... When is my career going to be stable?? When can I really start earning more money?? Haiz... I'm so stress up everyday.. Thinking of money, family and my career... Fuck up... I'm so tired and mentally tortured... On my way to work now.. My turn to close shop today.. So tired.. That means I will end work at 7pm... 11 hours of work... Haiz... It's ok la.. At least humphrey and Winston will be there today.. Hahaha.... Honestly speaking I really need a girlfriend now.. Someone that can be there for me.. Love me and etc... Accept me for who I am.. No money, black background and all...

Sleepy

Morning.. I'm so sleepy.. I'm on my way to work now.. I'm opening the centre today.. Have to reach by 645 am to receive the clients dog that reach early.. I'm able to open and close shop by myself.. It's so damn fast that they trusted me with the opening and closing and handling of daily cash on my own.. I miss humphrey and winston, the 2 French bulldogs from same owner.. Eh are just so cute.. With their fit body, and their ugly looking face... Hahahaha.. They make me fall in love them.. Not forgetting the rest of the dogs too.. Animal are simply the best.. At the same time I'm hoping that marine life park will call me... Seriously, I'm thinking of working in overseas.. If I do, I will have to wait till all my bills and debts are settled.. Which should be at least in 2 years time.. Have you ever heard of Malay dog trainer?? No?? I don't think so there is any.. I'm going to be the first one... Who knows tv channel will feature me and I will be known.. Hahahahaha... Son... Dad misses you so much..

Busy

Ive been busy with work lately.. That's why I didn't blog.. Now on my way to work.. I dreamt of Karmilah yesterday night... I guess she still plays a part in my heart even though I know she's married.. Well... I just have to bear with it... A lot of things happen lately... I went for marine life park interview last week.. I must pass swim test and go for basic, advance and rescue diving lesson and test before they employ me.. I hope I can go through all these test.. My shoulder is still sore and pain at times.. I didn't go for my physiotherapy at all.. Only went once after my surgery.. Haiz.. I applied as animal handler at sentosa yesterday night.. Hope they will call me for interview... I still want to work with animals and be an animal trainer.. That's why I've been applying for animal related jobs.. 3rd oct is my best and close friend rom.. I'm one of his witness.. Cool.. Can't wait for that day.. First time I'm a witness at a wedding.. Hahahaha.. Congrats bro for getting marry before me.. I don't know when will be my turn... Hahahaha.. I will still be working at this dog day care center if I get full time outside.. That means I'm going to hold 2 jobs.. I don't want to lose working with dogs.. I still want to read and understand dogs body language.. I inspire to be a successful and best animal trainer one day.. Patiently waiting.. I still miss Karmilah and my son.. Haiz..

Give me 2 to 3 years

Give me at least 2 to 3 years to be a successful dog trainer at least... I'm learning and doing research how dogs behave and their body language.. I want to train them and go into the market.. The first Malay dog trainer in Asia.. Who knows.. I can achieve that.. With hard work.. Now I'm suffering financially and all but it will be over soon.. Now I know who my real friends from the zoo are.. I still met up with my assistant manager and he's been guiding me for animal training now.. I'm so lucky to have met him.. I'm going to work hard and do him proud.. Once I establish my self as a trainer, I can charge the clients on my own.. Then, I need not worry about money anymore.. Now I'm struggling, I admit... Soon it will be over.. Me and him going into dog training business.. I can't imagine,I'm doing this... Hahaha... But insyallah it will be a success.. I miss my son.. I want to find Karmilah.. But I don't know where to start.. I don't want to regret not seeing my son.. I don't want one day, when I meet him, that's the first and last time.. I don't that to happen... Sigh...

Morning

Im On my way to work.. My specs broke.. Using tape to tape it.. Hahahaha.. Yest I met 2 French bulldogs at my workplace.., I fall in love with them.. So cute, fat and chubby.. I simply love them... Argh.. I want them... Another bulldog also there.. Still a puppy.. Total 3 bulldogs.. They played with each other and other dogs.. I'm so happy to see them play and have friends.. No doubt they see me as their playmates.. They also starting to trust me.. Yeah.. Wonder whether today I will get to see dogs that I haven't seen yet.. More or less, I can recognize some of the dogs and their name.. There's Ollie,Jacob, mellow all retrievers... Coco, mansion,humphrey all French bulldog... Happy,raffles, suki all beagles.. Marley, cocker spaniel.. Rex, dashund.. Isa, rocket, husky.. Some more... Too many.. Hahaha... My arm still sore and pain.. It's mind over body.. I can overcome the pain..

Money issue

Im fucking upset and damn fucking stress over money issue.. I cried... My brother is another one.. Haiz.. From now on, I'm going to find more money, even if I have to work 2 jobs... Day and night without sleep.. I need to help my parents financially... They decided to work again coz of my bro.. He earns big bucks as a teacher but stingy.. He forgot how my parents put him to sch and all... Argghhhh... I will not have a girlfriend or get marry in near future.. Coz of money that I need to help my parents.. I'm so fucking stress up.. My bro and sis earn big bucks every month.. Compare to me.. I should just shut up now..

Want to see my son

I want to see my son before its too late.. I don't want to see him on my death bed... Haiz.. Argghhh... Where are you dear??

I don't think I will ever get marry

Haiz.. I have a feeling I won't be getting marry..no gf.. No savings..nothing at all... I'm already 28 and yet shit has happened.. Almost all of my friends are married or already are getting marry.. Sigh.. Fuck la.. I'm so bored today...its Sunday and my workplace close.. Argghhh.. Feel like watching movie.. Step up revolution.. See how... Next week onwards, I must start saving up to pay all my bills and loans.. Fuck fuck...

Normal day

Was a normal day today,, my hand is very sore now,, due to work.. But worth it la., I need money.. Meeting new dogs and regular dogs cheer my day.. I fell in love with Jacob.. He's a golden retriever.. About 10 months old.. Handsome and innocent looking face.. Very playful and mischievous.. He stick to me almost very minute if he's not playing.. He will follow me where I moved.. I'm slowly starting to see the world of dogs.. Dogs body language and their way of communicating with each other.. It's a good thing that I left the zoo if not I won't be able to widen my knowledge.. I'm starting to develop and be an alpha male in their community.. Yes.. Some of the dogs submit to me.. Coz I behave like them and think like them too.. I always bear in mind that they don't understand human language.. So we must understand their language... Hahahaha.. Give me 2 years... Once all my hp bills contract is up,all my loans are done.. I will move to Thailand or Indonesia to do animal training.. I will stay there for long maybe.. There the economy is much lower than Singapore... I need the help of my assistant manager to achieve this.. Coz he has contacts there.. Btw, met Sarah today at north point in the morning.. Coincidencely... Chatted about zoo life.. Hahahahah.. So many things has happened.. Dont wish to talk about it..

Working

Morning.. I'm on my way to work now.. In the train.. I can't wait to see all the dogs that is coming today.. I miss them... New month new day... 10 days after I had my shoulder operation, I'm back at work... I can't wait any longer.. I need money.. Will be working without my arm sling around me.. My hand still pain but I have to endure it.. Endure and patience is the key factor...

Miss

Clearing my cupboard at home.. Found some photos of me and Karmilah.. I miss her upon see ing the photos.. She's very beautiful... Haiz... I miss my son too.. I miss both of them...

I know what I want

I've figured out what I want to do in my life.. To be an animal trainer.. Well known and success trainer.. I've to be patience.. My assistant manager called me.. I told him that I still love to do animal training overseas or local.. He say I need to improve my training skill and gets more exposure... He will help me to contact his friends locally if they need staff.. I must be patience.. That's what he told me to.. He say, just grab whatever opportunity I haf for animal training.. Part time here and there also can.. If I manage to prove results, he will bring me to overseas and introduce me to his friends overseas.. People in the zoo, just wait and see my achievement.. You guys will regret for treating me the way u guys treat me.. You people have me stronger.. You people has indirectly given me to open up my exposure.. You guys there won't go anywhere.. Stick to the zoo for your entire life.. You bastard..

I will do better

Now I'm suffering.. Yes I am.. But it's only for a while... Once I'm back and strong, I will go on to be a famous animal trainer... Mark my words... I will head back to the zoo as a consultant and all of them will have to follow me in terms of training... I will make them suffer.. Karma is what I believe in.. They will get their suffering... My assistant manager has been keeping in touch with me and he's going to introduce to me someone... I'm waiting and I will heed his advise... I will make my name one day.. Insyallah.. Even if it makes I have to go Thailand or Indonesia... Ya.. I'm willing to make the sacrifice...

Shoulder appointment

Just reach home from shoulder appointment at hospital.. Change the dressing and next week I can take it out myself.. The wound are fine.. Tmr physiotherapy appointment in the hospital.. Same old place that I used to go many years back.. All needs money.. Haiz.. Money..money.. My debts are increasing from my family.. They have been giving me money and I will pay them back once I get permanent job and stable income.. I miss having a girlfriend.. Btw, I've downgrade my phone line.. To the cheapest.. I don't need the expensive line... I rarely use hp.. Some more Ive got many things to pay... So at least, it can reduce my money burden...

I've realized

I realized who I am... I'm not good enough to be a husband yet and not good enough to be in a relationship now.. God knows that I will be going through this now.. No job.. No money.. And my hand condition like this.. I'm not fit to be anybodys boyfriend right now.. Wait till I get my job that is stable and then I will consider into getting a relationship... This time round, it's not going to be a Malay girl.. I'm hurt by them a lot of time.. Along the way, if the girl doesn't mind my current condition and situation, I will consider her too.. All the past I'm letting go and I have to let it go.. I'm not getting any younger.. I miss working in the zoo but I have to get out of my comfort zone there.. Nurul is still very young and I believe I've made the right decision in letting her go.. If not she will suffer with me.. My shoulder still in pain now.. Argghhh.. Can't use much of my riht hand.. Tues my checkup to check on the surgery site.. Going for physiotherapy a lot of time too.. Oh gosh.. All this needs money.. Sigh.. Where am I going to find the money.. Fuck..

I'm stress at home

Im really stress staying at home.. I can't go out... No money and my hand condition.. Shit.. No one to talk to.. I've been keeping quiet all this while.. I only have my 8 cats to talk to.. But good thing that I don't have any gf now.. Coz I'm not at my best... Haiz..

Reservist in jan

Haiyo.. Received letter for my reservist.. 7 jan 2013 to 11 jan 2013... Sigh... I want my son badly.. I'm living in dreams everyday.. Dreaming of all impossible things.. Hope nurul is fine.. Hahahaha.. Ilah, i miss you.. My shoulder still in pain.. I don't know when I will get marry.. Fuck.. No money to marry also.. Worse come to worse, just nikah.. That's all.. Hahahaha.. I also don't have a girlfriend now.. So y I'm thinking about marriage?? What the fuck...

I need motivation right now

Arrrggghhhh.. I need motivation right now... My new boss ask me to work half day today coz of my shoulder operation... Sucks.. That means no money for next month.. He asked me to call him again when I can work when I recover... Sucks... I'm really stress right now.. Coz no money for me to spend next month... I don't know... Bills to pay, loans to pay... Fuck many things to pay... I need some one to motivate me and push me on through this rough time... Fuck fuck.. Im at home now.. Juz took medication.. My shoulder very sore and painful now... Fuck.. I'm having a bad time of my life now... Wait people.. I promise to make a come back and do well... I want to earn more money.. More money... Arrrrgggghhhh...

I'm home from hospital

Im back home from hospital just now... I was so tired that i slept when I reach home.. Now just woke up.. My shoulder is sore and a little of pain now... Tmr I'm going back to work.. I need to work coz I need to earn money.. As now I'm on part time basis.. Haiz... No work no money.. The whole time I'm at hospital, I keep on sleeping.. Hahahsa.. So sleepy.. Maybe coz of the medication.. I miss my son... Sigh.. I miss nurul also.. Wonder how she is now.. Think she's good with raudah now.. I hope I can work tmr with 1 hand... Hahaha...

Oh gosh

Hey...I'm done with my shoulder operation.. Im updating using one hand... Haha...I've been spending one night here since yest... I went in to operation theater at 11 am.. They set up everything and put me on gas.. After a while I knockout.. I woke up around 230 pm... Still sleepy.. Haha.. My shoulder is very sore n slight pain now.. Going home later if everything is ok..I haven't smoke since 8 am yest till now.. I'm not craving for it.. I think it's coz of the anesthesia.. Haha..I'm going to slp.. Tired, sleepy, pain..

On my way to hospital

Hey people.. I'm on my way to hospital for my shoulder operation.. If anything happens during the operation to me, I would like to seek forgiveness from everyone.. So yah.. Fri I'm back to work.. My new employer doesn't know I'm going for my shoulder operation.. So yah.. I need money.. That's why I have to work.. Update later if I manage to wake up from my operation..

Am I a cry baby??

I realize I've been crying a lot the past months.. I easily cry when watching sad story.. I don't know why.. I just manage to feel the story and how they are feeling in the real life.. I put myself in their shoes.. Even for love story, I will cry.. Haiz.. I think there's a lot of sadness in me.. I keep a lot of things in my heart for so so so long.. No one to share with.. Sucks feeling I must say.. If I die during the operation, my wish is to see my son.. Thats all.. I wish nurul and Karmilah all the best in their life.. I ponder about my journey of life too much and too deep.. No one can help me except god.. Cry cry cry..

Shoulder operation tmr

Hey people.. I'm going for my shoulder operation tmr.. Will be reporting at 8.45 am and the surgery will be at 10+ am... Haiz.. I will have to stay one night overnight over at the hospital.. Friday then I will continue to work.. Sigh.. I need money that's why I force myself to work on fri.., fuck.. I just have to be really careful when I work.. I can't move my shoulder much.. Not sure whether I will be able to update my blog tmr.. I try k.. I hope to see my son and nurul when I wake up from surgery tmr.. But I know it's impossible.. Sigh.. They don't know that I'm going surgery tmr.. Today's work was great.. Met new dogs and breeds.. So cute.. I'm beggining to like my new job as I get to see new breed of dog everyday.. Hahahaha... I miss my son.. Felt so jealous when I saw young parents with their children.. Fuck sia.. The feeling is worse.. I hate it.. I want to rest now.. Update when I'm free k people..

2nd day at work tmr

Tmr will be my 2nd day at work...looking forward to it.. Excited to see the darlings at work that will be coming there tmr.. Will have the chance to play with them.. Hahaha.. I miss my son.. That's what everyday I'm going through.. Watched azura on YouTube.. Nice story.l learnt abit about relationship and marriage life.. I'm still single... Hahaha.. One of the last few to get marry..

Wondering why

Im wondering why Karmilah doesn't allow me to see my son?? Is it because she thought I'm seeing another women behind her back?? Haiz... I won't take away my son from her.. I just want to see him and do my part as a father towards my son... That's all.. Haiz..

I'm so jealous

Im so jealous seeing couple with their children... Im deprived of being a father.. I'm deprived of show father's love, care and concern towards my child.. Arrggghhhh... I wish Karmilah and nurul a happy hari raya aidilfitri.. Maas zahir Dan batin.. Nurul must be happy now.. Coz she has totally forgotten about me.. She's enjoying the moment with raudah.. Must be busy spending time with her.. Never mind.. My turn will come soon.. Sigh and sian..

Hari raya 2nd day

Morning.. I'm awake early morning.. Sigh.. I've been waking up very early for the past months.. I don't know why.. Even though I always sleep late at night.. People will be coming to my house today.. I won't stay at home.. I will go out.. I don't want to see any of them... But I don't know what to if I go out.. Movie?? Sigh.. See la what I can do later..

Haiz

1st day raya is going to be over soon.. I'm at home since after watching movie in the morning.. As usual, I never get to spend it with my son.. As expected.. I hope my son enjoys his day with his mum.. I guess nurul has totally forgotten about me too.. Which I don't care at all.. She must be busy texting and calling raudah.. Hahahahahah.. Tmr yet another day.. I've nothing to do also.. Tues than I'm working.. Haiz.. I hate myself.. Fucking hate myself.. My manager called me.. He say he's going to introduce me to some people.. I guess most probably is animal trainer people.. I hope to learn more and get a job with them even if it means I have to travel regularly..

Bored during 1st day of raya

Im so bored and lonely.. My family went out for visiting of relatives.. I'm all alone doing nothing.. I don't know what to do.. I've got no friends... Sad.. What am I going to do today and tmr?? I'm not working on both days.. Haiz.. I don't know la.. Most of my friends that are married is celebrating with their wife and children.. Me?? Stuck at home.. I'm one of the last to get marry.. My best friend is registering their marriage on 1st oct.. Happy for him.. He got a Chinese wife that has already being converted to Islam.. Sooner or later, he will be busy with his marriage wife and I'm left on the book shelves.. Why can't I lead a happy life?? I've been sad and lonely for many many years.. Arrggghhhh.. I really need to find that someone soon.. I'm not desperate but I just want to get out of my sadness and loneliness... Is that so difficult??

Today is hari raya

Selamat hari raya to all.. Maaf zahir Dan batin.. I never celebrate hari raya this year.. Only my family.. As usual, it's meaningless for me to celebrate without my son and my love ones around me.. I do miss my son badly.. Very badly.. Sigh.. That's my fate I guess.. I don't know when I will get a girlfriend or a wife.. I really need that her to be by my side.. Coz I really need companion.. I'm very lonely.. I need some one to talk to everyday.. I've so many things that are kept in side.. A lot of them.. I never express out my thoughts and feelings.. I only do that when I'm very very close to that some one.. Guess what, I watched movie just now.. Greedy ghost.. Imagine, morning of hari raya, I watched movie.. That's how lonely I am.. Sigh.. Hope my son and Karmilah enjoys hari raya together with her husband and her family.. Sad.. I cried early morning.. Don't want to talk about it..

Hari raya

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim and my handsome son... Maaf zahir Dan batin.. Maafkan ayah my dear son.. I've been thinking about you ever since your mum and I separated... Haiz.. Dah 3 tahun, ayah ingin sangat nak sambut hari raya with you.. Tapi tak kesampaian.. Ayah harus bersabar.. Ayah harap your mother Nya hati will be soften soon.. This year I'm not celebrating hari raya yet again.. Last time I celebrated was year 2008.. Together with Karmilah and her family.. I admit theres a lot sadness in me.. I admit I cry easily nowadays.. Coz of the sadness and all that has been haunting me all this while.. I don't know how to describe the feelings.. Only god knows.. Nurul sudah hilang Dom hidup aku.. Karmilah and my son pun sudah hilang dalam hidup aku.. What else can I say?? Adakah aku bapa tak bertanggung nawab?? Ada kah Nasib aku sebigini??

First day at work

Just reach home.. Was an eye opener for my first day at work.. Nothing wow about the place as I expected.. It's a small place I must say.. But the different dogs that I'm going to see and just now was truly a wow.. That way, I can see more behaviors displayed from the dogs.. Coz I want to study their behavioral and their way of showing body language.. Coz one day, if god will, I want to be a dog trainer or maybe even a multi animal trainer one day.. I started late at my age but with patience and fast learning, I can do it.. I believe even without certification I can still be a trainer.. Through words of mouth, news will spread and eventually I will have more clients in future.. Tmr is hari raya.. I miss my son.. Later takbir will be played over the radio.. That's my favorite.. Coz high chance I will cry upon hearing it.. I want to celebrate hari raya with my son.. I never got the chance to feel how a dad feel even though I'm a dad now.. If not I'm a husband to Karmilah now.. Haiz.. I have to have a lot of patience and think positively.. Ingat pada tuhan.. He loves you more than any one.. I have to be successful one day and I want to prove to all of them that has looked down on me before.. I want to be famous one day.. I can.. I need motivation now.. I haven't found some one that can motivate me.. That is my future girlfriend and wife.. I need that some one to appear in my life now.. Im so lonely for most of the year.. That's why I always give to my fullest when ever I'm in a relationship.. Even though I still make stupid mistakes in relationship.. Fuck.. Just have to learn from it..

Morning lovely people

Hey.. I'm on my way to work.. I definitely going to enjoy my work today.. Although I will start from bottom, I know he day, I will be there... Hahahaha.. Good.. My passion for life.. Yippee.. I'm so excited.. Update after work k.. I'm going to relax and chill in the train now..

I'm thankful

Im so thankful that I have Allah and my blog to talk to when I'm lonely or need some one to share with.. Although I won't be able to hear their reply, I still appreciate it a lot.. For I know they will always be there for me throughout.. I'm starting my new job tmr.. So excited about it.. I hope I can last in this job even though the pay is very low.. I'm single, no plans to marry, so I should be able to get through with that pay.. I have to be very thrifty in every way I can.. I must get an early rest tonight.. I'm tired also.. I miss having a girlfriend though.. I miss having someone beside me.. Haiz.. The right girl for me has not yet appear.. From young, when people asked me, at what age I want to get marry.. I told them 30 years old and above.. And it is really happening now.. No doubt that I almost got marry when I was 25 years old.. Sigh.. Ok la people, time for me to sleep.. See you around..

Raya is coming

Im not celebrating hari raya.. As usual.. I will be at home.. Same as the past few years.. I like to hear the takbir.. Coz I will cry.. It just touches my heart.. My son will be in my mind and I will be thinking about my life.. At times I do miss my grandparents.. All have passed away when I was in primary school.. Haiz.. I guess my next girlfriend if I were to have one, will be a Chinese.. Coz my this job is dealing with dogs.. I don't think Malay girls wants her bf to work with dogs.. Hahahaha.. So ya.. Higher chance I will get a Chinese gf.. I miss my son badly.. Haiz.. I do miss ilah but no point.. She has a happy family now.. I'm falling sick now.. Don't... Coz tmr I'm starting my new job.. Shit man..

What a day

Finally, this blog is working back.. I've quit my new job.. I went to 2 interviews today.. And guess what I'm starting tmr one of the job.. That job is what I've been looking for... Although the pay is going to be very low than my zoo pay, but I feel I will stay long in this new job.. It's my passion.. Thanks to poh choo who told me about this job and recommend me to the job.. Now on the way to settle my stuff and after that I'm going home.. Need a good and early sleep tonight..

So fucking tired

Fuck.. Today was a fucking tiring day.. Legs aching, body aching, brain super tired.. I didn't get to close any sales today.. Fuck.. No income today.. Oh god.. Please help me.. I need to improve badly.. I can't every week never close any sales... Like that no money.. I want to cry.. I need some motivation.. I need to endure.. Seriously I can just break down now if I want.. I'm controlling.. There's still tmr.. I need to hit my sales target.. Oh gosh..

Tired

Im so tired... But I can do it.. I'm On my way to work now... I can do it.. My goals today to make 5 full pitch, 100 approaches minimum and 2 sales.. That's my aim for today as I'm still new... Ok people, I'm going to revise now.. See ya people..

Good night

Im done with my revision on my work material.. I'm ready for tmr training.. I just need to read it through one more time before I start my training.. These few days, I'm so busy with work that I never think of Karmilah or nurul.. That's an improvement.. Soon I will forget about these 2 ladies.. Yea.. That means I've got over them and out of my mind.. Awesome.. I'm going to sleep after I blog.. I'm so damn tired and shag... Can't blame as I'm still getting used to my new job.. Making money is what I aim for.. This job is very challenging.. Be it mentally or physically.. Both are equally tired.. I don't think I have time for relationship.. As those that works with me, there's a mutual understanding in their relationship.. Hahaha.. Tts good but I don't agree on that as we tend to be very busy and no time for the other partner.. Shandy is cute actually.. But too bad she has a bf.. Hahaha.. I asked around.. But I'm not suitable for her.. I'm not good looking, she's young and she's earning more than me.. Shes a high expenses lady.. Not my type.. I'm looking for a simple lady.. That's all.. Ok la, nurul haven't been contacting me lately.. Tts good... Most prob she's busy with raudah.. I'm so happy with her.. All the best ya.. Good nights people..

What a day

Ended my work early... A lot of things to brush up.. Managed to close 1 deal today.. But that also with the help of my colleague.. I need to work hard and I will pay them back that 1 deal soon.. Homework tonight to do.. Training tmr.. I believe a lot of effort, hardwork put in will show me the benefits that I will get in near future.. Promotion to corporate trainer in 2 weeks.. I'm aiming for that.. I can do it zaman.. Tmr going to be another long day.. So gonna rest now.. In the train right now.. On my way home.. Coz later got a lot of stuff to do.. See ya..

Hey guys

Morning people.. I'm on my way to work now.. In the train.. Today's schedule for work is... Training, office visit, role play, meeting, and field sales... Wow.. A heavy schedule and hectic day.. Never mind.. It's all in the mind.. I can do it.. 3rd and 4th September I'm going to nanyang girls high school for wwf campaign.. Will be going with 7 other of my colleagues.. Will be an exposure for me.. Need to read up things before I go there.. Hahaha.. Okie la.. Update again after I end work.. Guess will be at night.. See ya..

I can

I must tell myself that I can do this... Success and rich... You can zaman.. Fuck.. I'm having terrible headache now.. Shit you.. How am I suppose to do my revision on my work.. Argghhh... I must think of the money that I will be making.. The weekly bonuses and stuff.. All that money will be in my pocket.. My aim is to be the top achiever once I'm more steady in this new path... Tmr another day.. Training, role play, meeting, office visit and field sales.. Will end late at night.. Have to endure.. Have to zaman.. Remember the success that you want to achieve one day.. Don't let your laziness bring you down k.. You must do your work and revise.. I've got no worries for relationship now.. I can fully concentrate on my career.. I can end work late at night and earn extra income.. I can work on weekends on my own will to achieve higher income.. All these aree for money and the skills that I want learn and achieve in me.. Once Im rich, don't expect me to look at people who has been treating me badly.. Puit.. Spit on you guys.. I will make sure I appear on magazines and newspaper and all.. I'm going to sleep for a while.. Waking up in a while to do my research nd study.. Good night people..

Shandy

Last sat I went for the chalet cum BBQ session with my new company.. Shandy keeps coming to entertain me, talk to me and makes me feel part of the family... At that time, I didn't think much.. Today, she show signs of her being interested in getting to know me more... She took me and few others for lessons today.. She keeps calling out my name and uses my name as her example in theory.. Then when comes to bell gong session, she walked towards me and stand beside me.. We looked at each other and smile sweetly.. She can stand where she is but she choose to walk over beside me.. During our meeting with the rest, she sat opposite me in the table.. I can see that her eyes keeps glancing at me.. I too at times glance at her.. Hahaha.. First impression of shandy.. Hmmm... Pretty, elegant, sweet voice, medium height, nice lady.. I admit I did feel attracted to her abit when I first saw her the other day.. But well, we shall see how it goes... Wait till, I tell her my history and past... Not sure whether she will still accept me... Hahahaha.. I'm thinking too much.. Lol.. She's younger than me.. I guess around 24 or 25 years old.. But I shall know her age soon.. For now, I'm just going to get to know every one better.. If shandy shows signs of interest in me even more, I will give her a chance.. I will let her to get to know me even deeper and that same goes to me.. But no relationship for now.. Shandy is one of the high post there.. So I'm not her standard yet... Hahaha.. Soon.. I will be promoted.. That is I have to be strong, thick skin, and dare to do it.. Fuck care everything.. Just do it..

Induction done

Hey.. I'm done with my induction training.. On my way home now.. Going to revise a lot of stuff later when I'm home.. A lot of things to study.. Tmr will be the first day, I'm doing my job on field.. Hope it goes well.. Today was tiring.. Mentally tired.. A lot of things learnt today.. Sigh... Tmr another day.. I'm going to do even better.. And try to close at least 1 to 2 sales.. Pray for me.. Ya Allah.. Tolong lah hamba mu ini... I want to forget about Karmilah totally.. Upon seeing the Facebook picture, they must be leading a happy life now.. So yup.. I will try my best to move on and get busy with my new job... Btw, I have a feeling that there's this lady in my new company trying to get near me.. Just a feeling.. The way she behaves and all.. Her name is shandy... She's pretty and Chinese.. Well, I see how it goes over the next few weeks.. I shall not make any move now as I'm not ready.. If she makes the move, then I will act accordingly.. Okie la people.. I'm in train now.. Going to rest my mind.. Have a good day everyone..

I can't sleep

Its already 1 plus in the morning.. I still can't sleep.. And I need to wake up early morning tmr for my new job.. Sigh.. I look into Karmilah Facebook.. Saw my son.. He's now a grown up child.. Chubby.. Fair skin.. That's how you look like my dear son.. Daddy miss you so much.. Her husband seems to treat my child as his own.. Looks like it.. From the picture, my son is so comfortable with him.. How I wish that guy was me... I guess I have to forget about Karmilah.. I don't want to ruin her happy marriage life with her husband... It's so hard.. I feel like giving up.. Arrghhhh... I'm so mad at myself.. Fucking mad at myself.. Fuck you zaman.. I've lost Karmilah and my son to him... I'm useless..

All set for tmr

Im all ready for tmr new job.. Bag packed, clothes and pants ready, shoe ready... All is ready.. Ready to embark on my new journey in my new career... What I'm lacking now is moral support... From someone I love or someone that love me.. Haiz.. It's okie.. I can do it by myself.. Ilah, just to let you know that, I'm starting my new job tmr.. I'm doing sales and marketing.. My job description is sales management trainee.. If I do well, I will be promoted soon.. That's why it's called management trainee.. I hope you will give me your blessings... I will be on the streets most of the time.. At the same time, I'm hoping to bump into you as well.. Everyday I'm praying to Allah to let me meet you once again.. I've proved you wrong.. You told me I won't leave my job in the zoo.. But I did.. I resign.. Due to some problems that I'm facing now.. How I wished you were there for me when I'm facing all this problem.. You are the only one that knows how to motivate me.. Many people says that you are not suitable for me due to our difference in character... I choose not to listen to them.. Coz I know you are a very special lady which all of them doesn't know about you.. Now I don't know how are we going to see each other if ever you are visiting the zoo.. Definitely, you are going to ask the people that you know, whether I'm working... They doesn't know where I work now.. Hell no that I'm going to tell them where I'm working now.. I don't want them to destroy my career.. Coz they are really a bad people.. Nur Karmilah Abd Karim, the name has been engraved in my heart for the longest time.. I doubt it will go away.. If ever, there's a lady that loves me, should I give her a chance?? I'm scared ilah.. Coz I still love you very much.. More than last time.. I know your family won't be able to accept me again.. I know you won't love me anymore.. It's going to be different.. I'm just living in my dreams of getting you back into my life.. As usual, I've got no one to tok.. No one at home that I can talk to.. None of my friends that I'm unable to share with.. I keep everything to myself.. Every single things.. That's why if ever I have a serious relationship, I will treasure her the most.. Coz I need her for everything.. You know my life ilah.. Why I've got no one to tok or share with.. Haiz.. This year I cried a lot.. Really a lot.. Maybe I'm emotionally unstable.. Every single thing ilah.. That's why, what I'm hoping now is that I'm able to find and make more new friends through my new job.. I'm aiming to be a manager within this 2 years if I'm able to stay long.. I want to give you or my future wife a very good life.. Not having to worry about money.. Which I am now.. Money is my main concern now.. I've got 3 loans to pay, 2 hp bills to pay, credit card to pay, monthly allowance for both my parents, my daily expenses.. Haiz.. It's never going to be enough if I never work hard and earn mo money.. That's why I decided to take up this job.. The money that we will be earning, through our hard work, perseverance and all, is definitely going to huge.. Trust me ilah.. I just need moral support from some one that I love.. Cry.. Cry...

Soon to break fast

Breaking fast without Karmilah and my child is the worst ever feeling.. I feel something is missing from me and in my life.. Haiz.. Hope to see them real soon... Banyak kan bersabar zaman.. Minta Dari Allah.. He's the only one that can help you out.. Ease your mind my dear zaman.. If I were to go into next relationship, will the next lady be able to accept for who am I?? A guy with a son.. A guy that still loves her ex fiancée.. Haiz..

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim

Ilah.. Please allow me to do something for you and our child.. Let me give you some money every month.. At least.. I've been wanting to do that ever since our child was born.. But I wasn't able to coz we have lost contact.. Haiz.. I want to do something for the 2 of you.. I don't know why until now, you still don't allow me to see our child... Even if you are still angry with me, the child has the right to know who I am and I have the right to take care of our child.. It's not that I don't want to be responsible.. I wanted to badly.. But the barrier now is, you don't allow me... Why ilah?? Why ilah?? You don't know that I've been thinking of you and our child everyday.. I suffered emotionally as a result... Ya Allah, tolong buka lah hati Nur Karmilah Abd Karim.. Padamu ku pohon ya Allah... Kenapa harus ya Allah memberiku cubaan ini?? Hambamu sudah cukup menderita selama ini... Ilah, I still love you...

Officially out of the zoo

Exit interview done, clearance form done, all done.. I'm officially an ex staff of the zoo from now onwards.. Chatted with some of the old and new colleagues.. Talk about the old memories.. Sad about me leaving.. I didn't realize how much impact I have made on them... Well, I got to leave sooner or later.. So I make it now... Until today, people has asked me to pull back my resignation.. But I simply refuse.. One of my old colleague, told me this.. I've changed over the years.. I'm not the zaman he used to know.. It's all because of Karmilah and my son.. In my heart, I told myself.. But I'm glad that, he say now he can see the old zaman back.. Slowly coming into my life.. A lot of advise he gave me.. He also told me things that I should have done for Karmilah and son.. Too many things which I don't think I'm going to blog here.. So yup, my chapter with the zoo has ended and over done with.. I shall not look back.. Moving on is what I need now.. Don't waste time.. Build up my career from scratch.. Tmr is the day my new chapter of life will begin.. I'm looking forward to it..

The day has come

The day has arrived... Today is the day, marks my last official working day with the zoo.. I'm leaving behind my memories, the animals, the experience, the career that I've built up for the last 5 years, my first full time job.. That place has brought a lot of memories.. Getting to know Karmilah and nurul in the zoo.. Going into relationship with them during this period.. Sigh.. All that I'm leaving behind.. Tmr marks the new chapter of my life in a new book.. New job, new career, new life.. Tmr onwards, I will be dealing with human more than animals.. Haiz.. I'm moving on when I step out of the zoo later.. I will never look back.. Coz it will bring pain memories to me.. Karmilah and my dear son... I miss you two.. Where are you now??

I've found the answer

After watching syurgamu ramadan over and over again.. My love has found an answer... That is I realize I'm still waiting for Karmilah and my son... Yes.. They are the ones.. Maybe god put me through the relationship with nurul is for me to find out what exactly love I'm looking for.. I don't know.. I'm just guessing.. Patience is the key to it.. Like how I've been doing it for the past 3 years plus.. I just have to keep on waiting and be patience.. Insyallah one day, I hope god will let us cross our path together and opened up her heart once more to love me again.. Yes.. I still sayang kan nurul.. But feeling of sayang is different.. The feeling of sayang towards nurul is friends.. Not love.. Karmilah, you know what.. I just hoping that the marriage you told me before with your husband is just a fake one.. I hope it's not true.. Maybe I'm trapped in my promises and trapped in love coz of me refusing to let Karmilah and my son go.. Yes, it takes time for us to love each other in the beginning but the love between us has grown when we are together.. Till now I realize I still love you... Yes you maybe someone else wife but I'm also someone else lover.. And that lover is you, Karmilah... Sigh.. Sigh..

Here I am again

Im so bored now.. Tmr will be the last day I can rest whole day.. Tuesday starting new work and no time to rest... Hahahahahaha... Let me share with you guys how Karmilah and I first found out that she was pregnant.. One night, quite late, she called me.. She say she's not feeling well.. Her stomach or something.. Can't really remember.. But quite serious.. So I went down to her house, bring her to hospital in a cab.. I think should be tan tock seng hospital.. We went to a&e and from there she receives her treatment.. After doing blood test, urine test and all, we overheard over the counter that Karmilah is pregnant.. We were shocked but we decided to wait till the doctor sees us.. So the doctor called us and we went in.. It's confirm that she's pregnant.. We were shocked but at the same time, our mind says don't abort the baby.. So the doctor sent us to Kk hospital that very night in an ambulance to double check.. So, it's confirm after the second check.. I must admit, both of us was in shock at that moment... So I sent her home and we sat down for a while near her area.. It was very late at night.. We discussed with each other on our next step.. Both of us came to a decision.. That is to keep the baby.. I emphasize to her, I don't want her to abort the baby and I will take full responsibility of it.. We plan when to tell our parents and when is the best time to get marry and all... So that's how, we found out that we have a child.. The next few months, I accompany her to Kk hospital for her monthly or weekly checkup.. We even started to buy baby clothes and stuff.. It was a memory that I will hold in me till I die.. Shopping for baby clothes is not easy.. Hahahaha... Whenever we go out, I will really take care of her.. Make sure she doesn't fall and all.. I will touch her stomach, hear the movement of the baby and even talk to the baby.. I must admit, I did suffer a little.. Karmilah attitude and behaviour changed.. As in she become more temperament and short temper.. Guess pregnant woman knows the best in this.. I told myself to endure and patient.. I never did scold or argue with her even though I know I'm not in the wrong.. Coz the more she angry, the more it's not good for her and the baby.. I must admit, Karmilah is the prettiest girlfriend I ever had... Pretty in her own way., I just can't describe it.. So far she's the only one that understands me the most and the best.. She loves me the most.. Sigh.. Sigh.. I've been talking about Karmilah and my son lately... I really miss them... I want to see them badly.. I mean it... Cry...

Happy fasting ilah and son

I will like to wish Karmilah and my son happy fasting.. Not forgetting her husband and her family.. Another fasting is going to be over in a week and I've missed the chance in breaking fast with them yet again.. It's okie.. Kuat kan semangat.. Sabari zaman.. I will be blogging lesser and lesser starting this coming week.. I will be very busy with my new work.. Judging from the nature of the work, I will be damn tired by end of the day.. This blog is where i can talk my hearts out.. Complain, sufferings, things that I'm facing in life and every other things.. No one will ever know the existence of this blog of mine.. I'm free to post anything I want here... Karmilah and my son.. I love both of you guys..

Lone ranger

Went out to buy stuff for my new work.. Clipboard bought.. New pen bought.. Bag re use my laptop bag.. Shirt done.. Pants done.. All done.. Ready for my new embarkation of my new job on Tuesday.. All I need to do now is to study the product and my pitch.. That's all.. I'm going to practice and learn later.. Watched movie alone just now.. Bourne legacy.. Boring movie.. Sigh.. Not worth the money.. Been watching movie almost everyday for the week... Bankrupt already.. Hahaha... My mum asked me about my child.. Sigh.. I never reply to her question.. Asked about nurul as well.. Nurul and I are not fated to be together.. That's what I told her.. I'm proud of myself that I no longer sad over nurul and I'm thinking even lesser now about nurul.. Karmilah, where are you now?? Are you still staying in yishun?? Or have you moved out from there since you are married?? I hope we will be able to meet up one day.. I hope your husband will be understanding.. I have to control myself and just wait for that faithful day to come.. It may take years.. 10 years or even 20 years.. Why has god give me back the love feeling now towards Karmilah?? There must be a reason behind it.. Sigh.. How I wish I know the reason..

Sunday

Its Sunday people and a very good morning to all of you.. I slept around 2 am yesterday night and now I'm awake around 930 am. Slept so few hours only.. Sigh.. I'm both physically and mentally tired now... I dreamt of Karmilah yesterday night..Im thinking of nurul lesser and lesser nowadays.. Nurul is no longer important to me anymore.. I really miss Karmilah.. My beautiful and understanding ex fiancée... Is it a sign from god, that after so long we part ways, I suppose to go back with her one day?? I admit that my love for Karmilah is coming back in me even though we haven't meet for over 3 years.. I've to bear in mind that she's married now.. Ilah, I hope to see you on the streets one fine day.. I miss you so much., I miss our child so much... I miss both of you so much... Ilah, I promise to earn lots of money and save up once again... In case, one day, we decided to be together and get married.. I don't care if you are divorcee or what.. I will still accept you and for who you are ilah.. Hope to see you and the child soon..

I'm home

I just reach home not long ago from the chalet cum BBQ session with my new company.. Shared cab home with 3 other people... Its already 1.05 am.. Hahaha.. Overall, it was nice.. They really opened up to me and treat me as part of the family.. They are not stingy in sharing tips.. I'm glad.. I'm looking forward to work with them next week.. I must do well and make myself proud in being promoted to corporate trainer within a month.. I can do it.. I had a lot of fun there just now.. Play games and chit chatting with my new colleagues.. Oh well.. Zaman you must succeed.. Btw, when I was at the chalet a flash back memory occurs to me of me and Karmilah, my ex fiancée.. We booked a chalet before and we spend our day together in chalet.. Just the two of us.. It was sweet memory.. We will go out and enjoy ourself and buy food to eat.. All that kind of stuff.. We treat it as our own home for the day.. It was cool.. I miss her now.. I must say.. Next week is hari raya and Im quite sad coz another raya going to reach and over soon but I will never get the chance to celebrate it with my son and Karmilah.. The pushing of baby stroller, changing of diapers and all those thing that a father should do, I didn't have the chance to do it.. Sigh.. All this are fated to happen to me.. God has predestined my life to be like this... Now, I must do well in my new career.. Overcome all the obstacle that I'm going to face and earn more money by doing well in my new job.. I can definitely earn more.. I've done my calculation.. If everything goes well, I can save up for a full marriage plan within 2 years.. That money I'm going to keep coz I have plans.. That is to use that money to get marry with the next girl that is lucky to have me.. I promise... Maybe Karmilah or maybe some one new.. Only god knows.. I'm so so tired now.. Mentally tired.. Headache has come to me now.. I'm thinking too much now.. About earning money, Karmilah, my son and my new career... I should worry less coz if I worry more, it's going to bring me down and affect me.. I must be strong and able to move on with perseverance and endurance.. I can do it.. Zaman, nurul has moved on with raudah by her side.. Karmilah has moved on with her husband by her side... I don't see why I can't move on.. I can.. It's a matter of time.. Do get over it fast and done with.. Have faith in yourself..

BBQ time

Hey people... I'm on my way for the BBQ.. Waiting for it and ready to mingle around with my new colleague.. I hope they can accept me as part of their family.. Let me continue my story on Karmilah.... We have been through a lot together.. Even though we lasted only for a while.. The stories that she told me about her past... Her life journey.. I really symphatise with her.. I thought I can take great care of her but I'm wrong.. We din last.. The things that I bought for her... Dress whenever I get my pay.. Cause I want her to look good.. So that she will feel good in herself... Not only dress.. There's other stuff too.. I sacrifice my financial needs just for her... I miss her now.. Whenever I'm down or feel shitty, she will always be there for me... No matter how late it was.. She even willingly come to my void deck to wait for me at 6 am and go work with me.. Cause we fought the day before.. I still can remember that she slap me once on my face.. I forgot what wrong I've done... But it's a well deserved slap from.. So far, she's the only one that has slapped me.. It means, she truly loves me... When she bought me breakfast, she will called me and ask what I would like to eat.. She will leave it on the locker room table if I'm busy with my work... I will give her money every month without fail.. For her to spend while waiting for her pay day.. The late night supper we always had.. From newton food market to lau pa sat to changi to anywhere.. It's awesome.. We will spend the night together if she doesn't want to go home.. When she's down, I will be there for her without fail.. I will patiently wait for her at her void deck every time we plan to go out.. And I will send her home without fail even if it's early in the morning... We pampered each other in every way we can.. She bought for me shirt, Bermudas, watch, wallet, shoe and all.. I bought for her dresses, shoes, watch, wallet, bag and many other things.. I even accompany her to buy her in side clothes.. You guys knows what I mean by that.. It's just so sweet... She really made me feel special... From couple ring to engagement ring.. We have bought it and done it.. We nearly bought our marriage ring.. Haiz.. But didn't make it.. Haiz.. All those are memories now.. I can only treasure it now and be reminded of it every now and then.. So people... Please treasure your love ones.. Don't let it go wasted..

Boring and a little story about my ex fiancee

Boring day.. Going for BBQ session at east coast later with my new company.. What am I going to do now?? How's nurul?? Hopes she's fine.. I'm guessing that she and raudah must be happy being together with each other.. Happy for nurul.. Lately I've been thinking of my son and ex fiancée.. Thinking of my son, I can understand but why suddenly I think of my ex fiancée?? She's great in taking care of me... She loved me whole heartedly... Though she has bad past, I don't care... I accept her for who she is... I'm just stupid that i doesn't appreciate her enough.. She never fails to msg me no matter how busy she is.. She bought for me breakfast almost everyday coz we worked in the same department.. So sweet of her.. The times we quarrel, we argue and all shows that how much we loved each other.. She will called me out of the blue and say she misses me, she love me and stuff.. I miss all that.. Nur Karmilah Abd Karim, I wish you all the best in your life and your marriage life... Even if one day, you decide to be back with me together after you divorce, I will accept you again provided I'm not attached at that moment.. You are unique in your own way.. Out of all my ex gf, you are still the best.. You give me memories that it's hard for me to forget.. You give birth to my child.. You suffered during your pregnancy.. After you left me, I suffered.. Thinking of you everyday for over a year.. I can't accept the fact that we part our ways.. We are so closed in getting marry.. Things has plan out, stuff to buy has been planned and we make all plans together.. And you thought I don't have money.. But you were wrong ilah... I kept it all because of our marriage.. Save up for our marriage.. After we part our ways, I was so depressed, I spend all the money.. Coz I don't want to have any memories of it.. After we part our ways, it took me 3 years before I get into next relationship.. Nurul Zarifah BTE Zainal is the lady after you.. We didn't last long.. Lasted only one month.. But it's okie la.. Not fated I must say.. I thought I have found the right lady for me to settle down.. But I was wrong ilah.. Nurul doesn't love me anymore because of my stupidity.. Nurul is now together with her Malay manager, raudah.. Nurul become lesbian all because of me.. It's all my fault.. Ilah, I really do hope one day, you will open up your heart and allow me to see my dear son.. Hari raya is coming and I will like to wish you selamat hari raya aidilfitri.. Maas zahir Dan batin.. All the best to you and your husband.. Kirim Salam pada your Kak long, along, Kak Ngah, your adik and the two lovely nieces of yours that was once close with me.. I'm really sorry that I forgot your nieces name.. I miss them too.. I still remember the times that we always goes out together... You will dress up nicely and makes me looks good.. I appreciate that.. I will always buy you clothes so that you can look great in yourself.. The time that I spend the night at your house when your Kak Ngah child passed away.. The time we watched tv together at your house.. The time we were together at my house.. The time we go out with your friends.. The time we go clubbing.. The time we spent our moments together alone.. The time i will pamper your nieces and buy stuff for them.. Bring both your nieces out together with you.. We are like one happy family... Everything ilah.. Still in my memory.. It looks like it just happened yesterday.. I tell myself everyday to be strong, to get over this and to get a new girlfriend and move on.. Every single day without fail.. Haiz.. And I'm still doing that now..

Fuck you headache

It's here again.. Fuck off you headache.. You have been bothering me for the longest time... I'm going for BBQ tmr with my new company.. Nice of them to invite me when I haven't even officially start with them yet..appreciate it guys..l

Induction training day 1

It was good...  Everyone was good.. After going through induction day 1, I've realized it's not so easy to work in this line.. I've set my goals and targets.. There are consequences I have to bear and sacrifice... I believe with the training that I will be received, I can do it... Targets and numbers... Thats what I'm aiming for.. Earn money and lots of money through that.., I can do it.. I've got 1 month to prove myself or if not out I go...I can do it.. I mustn't disappoint myself to make money.. I must stay in this line for a while.. Money is good.. I just need to think of money I will make if I success.. C'mon zaman... Tmr I may go to the chalet of new my company.. Nice of them to invite me over.. Everyone is friendly.. Coz we only have each other to make money, and motivation comes I'm one another.. Looking forward to start work next week.. All the way zaman the man..

100812

I'm on my way for my induction training... Just received news that mojo, a ferret, has passed on.. Well mojo, hope you will be happy over at the rainbow bridge.. Meet and make new friends over there.. I'm staying strong now... Coz I still do think of nurul.. I need to get over this soon.. Sigh..

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim... My ex fiancée.. 26 years old this year.. Born on 25th July 1986.. One day before my birthday.. We first met in the zoo in the year 2007.. We worked in the same department.. She goes by the name of Nur, ilah, Karmilah or baby... I used to call her all that.. We started our relationship on 9th Feb 2008.. I'm so proud of you.. Thank you for discussing with me about the child future with me when we first both found out that you were pregnant.. I'm so proud of you that you never come across your mind to abort the child.. In fact you are willing to give birth the child and suffer during that 9 months.. I'm also against the idea of aborting the child.. The child is innocent.. You have moved on with your life and you are married now.. I'm so happy for you.. I hope your husband treats the child as his own.. Thank you for telling me the child birthday.. 4th June 2009.. He is 3 years 2 months 4 days old as I'm typing this blog... I really hope, one day you will open up your heart to let me see the child.. I don't blame you for choosing to believe your family and it caused us to part our ways.. That point of time, no matter how hard I tried to explain myself, you choose not to hear me or believe me.. Allow me to tell you the truth now.. I didn't cheat behind your back.. I never see any girls behind your back... That day, you and me supposed to go out but you were in bad mood and decided to cancel it.. I understand your mood coz you are mid way of pregnancy... I choose to go out myself and coincidencely, I saw my friend... We chatted and have dinner.. That's all.. From there your family saw me and got the wrong impression of me... I wished I could just went home straight that day after you cancel.. All that misunderstanding, has caused me to lose you, caused me to not being able to see my son from when you are 5 to 6 months pregnant to the child is born till now... Haiz.. I regret it ila... I just waiting everyday to being able to see my son.. I've changed my hp num.. I no longer used 83745107 and I've resigned from the zoo.. I don't know hot to contact you or you to contact me.. But 2 years back, you went to the zoo and met up with me.. Thank you for sharing with me our child photo.. Nice of you.. I'm really sorry for not being able to be there for ever since.. Well ila, I hope you are happy now with a happy family... All the best Nur Karmilah Abd Karim...

Boring Day

Oh well... Another boring day.. Tmr I'm starting my induction... Hope everything is going well tmr.. I hope I will enjoy my stay at there... Even though I know I must work very very hard to earn my sales and money, I can do it... Endure... Monday I'm going back to the zoo to sign all the clearance form and it's officially my last day in the zoo... Goodbye zoo.. I didn't expect that my new job will be this one... Hahaha... I miss nurul but it's definitely going to be over soon.. She's together now with raudah.. Oh well.. All the best to them in their relationship together with each other.. I can't wait to see my new colleague tmr... Lol.. I'm targeting 6 to 8 sales per week starting on wed.. I must aim to achieve it.. That means 1 day, I need to clinch at least 2 to 3 sales.. I can do it.. Even if I have 0 sales for the day, I will look forward to the next day and do better.. Reflect on myself what gone wrong on that day... Yea.. Next week starts of new challenge, new work, new environment, new colleague and everything is new... Bye people..

Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal.. This is for you...

Hey nurul.. This is for you.. I hope you will read this...

Ku mengatur langahku,
Berjalan Tampa bayang-bayangmu
Langit dan bumi setia
Menemaniku
Matahari menyinar tak pernah
Berpihak padaku
Ku kepanasan tanpa
Perlindungan mu
Hari berganti hari aku
Masih teguh menanti
Hadir dirimu dalam
Hidupku ini
Rasa kecewa ada bila
Kaki penat berlari
Namun yakin ku
Kau kan ku temui
Ku tak kan pernah
Cuba berhenti
Langkah ku mendaki
Cinta
Yang ku tahu hanya
Untuk diri ku
Akan ku terus cari
Sampai hujung dunia
Kerana ku tahu, akan
Ku jumpa dirimu
Dan aku akan terus
Menempuh mimpi-mimpi ku
Selalu
Ku lihat semua gembira
Bila mengenali erti cinta
Senyum ku beri
Hanya duka

080812

I'm heading to the hospital later to visit my mum.. She's been warded in the hospital.. After which, Im going to meet nurul at cck to pass her the sim card.. Then I'm done for the day... My mystery friend wants to visit my mum later.. Just let her visit I guess.. The bracelet and the watch that she give me for my birthday, I'm going to return to her later.. I don't want to accept it as I don't want her to get the wrong idea that I love her.. I don't love her at all.. Sorry nurul, for not breaking fast with you today.. I've got no choice but to do this.. I just want to forget about you after what you have told me and now you are together with raudah... So yup.. You have made me stronger than before.. Be happy with raudah, hope you pass your bike license and stuff.. But just don't forget to continue your studies.. That's most important.. You may not see it as important for now but later in your life, you will regret it if you never pursue your studies now..

I'm still thinking

My assistant manager called me at 730 pm just.. He's has plans to make changes to the department and he wants me to work closely with him.. I will be with him most of the time.. Wich means,he doesn't want me to resign.. I know that if I follow him, I can learn more about animal training and other stuff.. I'm not sure.. My ind is stuck.. Haiz.. He asked me to consider it over the next few days..

Nurul called me around 920 pm juz now.. Her sim card broke.. I know it.. If she has problem she will come and look for me.. If she's happy, she won't bother to call me.. And I'm meeting her tmr to pass her the new sim card.. And she wants to break fast with me.. If her sim card doesn't break, do you guys think she will want to break fast with me?? Hell no man.. I'm going to be mean to her tmr.. I will pass her the sim card tmr and after that I will go off.. I don't want to break fast with her or even stay any longer with her.. I'm going to tell her this.. Nurul, since you have sim card now, im going off now.. You don't need me to break fast with you.. You can call your best friend or raudah your Malay manager to break fast with you today.. I want to forget about you and I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore... Okie nurul.. Take care.. Simple as that.. If she wants to say anything about me, let her be... I've got no freaking time for her anymore since she treated me this way ever since.. I'm not being egoistic here.. If she doesn't turn up by 830 pm, I'm just going to leave tmr.. I won't wait for her... No point.. She may just cancel it last minute again or made me wait for hours... Which all this, she has done it to me before.. I'm immune to it already.. Nothing new.. I still do love her but I won't let any girls to treat me this way.. I want them to respect me like wise I will respect them.. Nurul, if you are reading this, do make yourself clear k.. I'm not going to break fast with you tmr.. Better ask some one to accompany you.. Raudah should be free for you.. Okie people.. I'm just need to rest my mind.. With my mum still in the hospital and with all the resignation that I have to think of.. Take care people.. Good nights.. Miss you son..

What a day today

Hello.. My mum got admitted into the hospital again... Haiz.. What is happening to my mum?? Going out in a few minutes with car to go hospital.. All my family are at the hospital now.. Really worried about my mum.. Sigh.. I went to the zoo just now.. To meet up with my manager and assistant manager.. They wants to know my decision whether I will accept their offer and pull back my resignation letter...  My answer to them is still the same.. No.. I will still resign.. We chatted for a while.. One thing that they say touches me.. There's a few person that went up to them and say this.. Don't let zaman go or resign.. We want him here.. He can work and we know he does his work well.. So, please try to talk to zaman not to go and resign.. Haiz.. I'm so touched by that few person.. I don't know who they are exactly but Im guessing I know who say that.. I'm so sorry guys to disappoint you guys.. But my mind is made up and I've decided to resign.. Thank you so much guys for saying that about me to the manager and assistant manager... Now I know who is real friend of mine.. Do keep in touch whenever you guys can.. My assistant manager say this to me that wakes me up immediately.. Whatever it is zaman, your sad life, your love life that has gone, leave it behind and move on.. No point being sad.. Coz no one is going to be there if you are sad.. No one knows.. In your new work place, your new boss and new colleague doesn't know you.. And if they see you like this, they will think otherwise.. So zaman... Buck up and change.. You have a few more days to go and change yourself.. People I've met today, really look at me into their eyes.. I asked them why.. They say almost the same thing.. Which is.. I'm very sad to see you leave.. We have worked together for so long.. The things we have done, the crazy stupid things that we did together during the old times and all... We going to miss that.. Do come back here and work one day coz we all like and love you.. Haiz.. I almost cried when I hear that from them.. Even my assistant manager says that people here likes me a lot coz they can joke and fool around with me.. I shall not say anymore.. Let me be the ones that knows all these.. Till then..

Resign or not to resign

My assistant manager called me yesterday night at 12.30 am... He asking me whether I want to take back my resignation letter and would like to transfer to rainforest fight back show... Haiz.. My manager asked me last Friday.. But I haven't give them the answer yet.. Now I'm on my way to meet them to tell them about my decision.. Which is, I will still resign and will not accept their offer... I know they still want me to continue working there but I've made a choice.. I don't want to work in that type of environment.. No one understands the shit I'm going through there everyday.. I really appreciate their offer.. Coz almost everyday, they will ask me to not to resign... I'm so sorry to disappoint them.. But I need to move on with my career and life.. My assistant manager advises me that economic is going to hit Singapore and its going to be hard to find job out there.. They didn't know that I've a lot of job offer out there waiting for me.. It's better for them not to know where I work or people may destroy my career that I'm going to build from scratch..

My child in my ex fiancee stomach

This picture is my son in my ex fiancee stomach.. My son was only 12.7 weeks only.. This is the only pictore or photo i have of him with me right now.. Miss you dear son.. i dont even knoe your name.. May you spend this year hari raya with your mum, step dad and your nenek and auntie uncle on your mum side.. Be happy and be a good son...

Good Morning Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal

Good Morning Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal... I have been wanting to message you and ask you how are you and all those stuff.. But i refrain myself from doing so.. Because i choose to forget about you.. As i have said in my earlier post... I hope you are fine.. Dont work too hard.. Study hard and well.. Hari raya is coming, i hope the preparation is going on smoothly and well for you... Nurul Zarifah, i must admit that  i miss you alot and i still love you a lot as before... I hope to spend this year raya with you but it is impossible i guess... I never message or call you doesnt mean i dont love you anymore... i still do.. i just want to go through this bad stage of mine alone.. i wish you all the best in your future, your studies, your family and your love life... Here is a short message for you :

Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal, You are the first lady that really captures my heart.. You never fail to remind me to perform my prayers and never fail to encourage me to take up and learn about islam and prayers.. I know you really care for me but because i hurt you alot and deep, you choose not to show the care to me... You are a sweet girl with a good and pure heart... I really regret for hurting you and letting you go out of my life.. I will never ever find a lady like you.. Even though our age are far apart, i really appreciate you and i dont mind going through all the obstacle with you like i have promised you earlier on.. Thank you so much for giving me the chance to love you and be with you.. Thank you so much for loving me too.. I may not know how to take care of you and your heart.. Thats because, i am still learning to do that.. You never fail to make me think of you everyday.. That shows how much love i have for you and how much impact you have made in my life now.. Once again Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal, take care and enjoy your life with your love ones right now.. I do hope you will still visit my this humble blog when ever you are free.. Till then Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal..

Companionship

I'm walking alone by the streets.. With the sky, cloud, sun, moon and Allah as my companionship throughout my journey.. They never fail to be with me 24/7... I'm going through this moment of bad patch of mine with them.. I'm glad that I live for another day to view this beautiful world... From my health that is getting worse to my relationship that failed recently to everything... Companionship is all that I need.. Some one that I can share what's inside me and things that I've been  keeping to myself for so long.. I'm getting stronger day by day.. Outside I may look strong but inside me is very weak... Why do i choose to keep quiet even when people bad mouth about me and makes me looks bad? Reason is why should I retaliate? Why should I stoop to their level? Why should I make hem look bad? Coz I believe in karma.. The same thing will happen to them one day.. Well nurul... Have. Good hari raya celebration with your family and your best friend and Malay manager... Coz I believe by now, you have forgotten about me.. It's okie.. I'm cool with it.. You only will find me if you are in trouble.. If you are happy, you won't find me... Well well.. I say all this coz it's my feelings... I'm not sure if it's true.. If you want to scold me, go ahead.. I won't feel anything.. For that's who you are... I've choose to leave you.. I've choose to stop loving you.. I've choose not be with you.. I've choose not to disturb you.. Its all because your pure heart is with some one else.. You know who I'm talking about.. It's all written in between the lines in all your msges over the month... I kept it all this while and I've just deleted all the msges a while ago.. You have changed.. You are not the nurul that I once know.. You are still young.. Go and find your true love out there and don't find me if you have any problem.. Coz I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore.. I want to forget about you completely.. Yes... Total completely... Your hp num, just use it k.. I will pay till the contract ends..