Miss

Clearing my cupboard at home.. Found some photos of me and Karmilah.. I miss her upon see ing the photos.. She's very beautiful... Haiz... I miss my son too.. I miss both of them...

I know what I want

I've figured out what I want to do in my life.. To be an animal trainer.. Well known and success trainer.. I've to be patience.. My assistant manager called me.. I told him that I still love to do animal training overseas or local.. He say I need to improve my training skill and gets more exposure... He will help me to contact his friends locally if they need staff.. I must be patience.. That's what he told me to.. He say, just grab whatever opportunity I haf for animal training.. Part time here and there also can.. If I manage to prove results, he will bring me to overseas and introduce me to his friends overseas.. People in the zoo, just wait and see my achievement.. You guys will regret for treating me the way u guys treat me.. You people have me stronger.. You people has indirectly given me to open up my exposure.. You guys there won't go anywhere.. Stick to the zoo for your entire life.. You bastard..

I will do better

Now I'm suffering.. Yes I am.. But it's only for a while... Once I'm back and strong, I will go on to be a famous animal trainer... Mark my words... I will head back to the zoo as a consultant and all of them will have to follow me in terms of training... I will make them suffer.. Karma is what I believe in.. They will get their suffering... My assistant manager has been keeping in touch with me and he's going to introduce to me someone... I'm waiting and I will heed his advise... I will make my name one day.. Insyallah.. Even if it makes I have to go Thailand or Indonesia... Ya.. I'm willing to make the sacrifice...

Shoulder appointment

Just reach home from shoulder appointment at hospital.. Change the dressing and next week I can take it out myself.. The wound are fine.. Tmr physiotherapy appointment in the hospital.. Same old place that I used to go many years back.. All needs money.. Haiz.. Money..money.. My debts are increasing from my family.. They have been giving me money and I will pay them back once I get permanent job and stable income.. I miss having a girlfriend.. Btw, I've downgrade my phone line.. To the cheapest.. I don't need the expensive line... I rarely use hp.. Some more Ive got many things to pay... So at least, it can reduce my money burden...

I've realized

I realized who I am... I'm not good enough to be a husband yet and not good enough to be in a relationship now.. God knows that I will be going through this now.. No job.. No money.. And my hand condition like this.. I'm not fit to be anybodys boyfriend right now.. Wait till I get my job that is stable and then I will consider into getting a relationship... This time round, it's not going to be a Malay girl.. I'm hurt by them a lot of time.. Along the way, if the girl doesn't mind my current condition and situation, I will consider her too.. All the past I'm letting go and I have to let it go.. I'm not getting any younger.. I miss working in the zoo but I have to get out of my comfort zone there.. Nurul is still very young and I believe I've made the right decision in letting her go.. If not she will suffer with me.. My shoulder still in pain now.. Argghhh.. Can't use much of my riht hand.. Tues my checkup to check on the surgery site.. Going for physiotherapy a lot of time too.. Oh gosh.. All this needs money.. Sigh.. Where am I going to find the money.. Fuck..

I'm stress at home

Im really stress staying at home.. I can't go out... No money and my hand condition.. Shit.. No one to talk to.. I've been keeping quiet all this while.. I only have my 8 cats to talk to.. But good thing that I don't have any gf now.. Coz I'm not at my best... Haiz..

Reservist in jan

Haiyo.. Received letter for my reservist.. 7 jan 2013 to 11 jan 2013... Sigh... I want my son badly.. I'm living in dreams everyday.. Dreaming of all impossible things.. Hope nurul is fine.. Hahahaha.. Ilah, i miss you.. My shoulder still in pain.. I don't know when I will get marry.. Fuck.. No money to marry also.. Worse come to worse, just nikah.. That's all.. Hahahaha.. I also don't have a girlfriend now.. So y I'm thinking about marriage?? What the fuck...

I need motivation right now

Arrrggghhhh.. I need motivation right now... My new boss ask me to work half day today coz of my shoulder operation... Sucks.. That means no money for next month.. He asked me to call him again when I can work when I recover... Sucks... I'm really stress right now.. Coz no money for me to spend next month... I don't know... Bills to pay, loans to pay... Fuck many things to pay... I need some one to motivate me and push me on through this rough time... Fuck fuck.. Im at home now.. Juz took medication.. My shoulder very sore and painful now... Fuck.. I'm having a bad time of my life now... Wait people.. I promise to make a come back and do well... I want to earn more money.. More money... Arrrrgggghhhh...

I'm home from hospital

Im back home from hospital just now... I was so tired that i slept when I reach home.. Now just woke up.. My shoulder is sore and a little of pain now... Tmr I'm going back to work.. I need to work coz I need to earn money.. As now I'm on part time basis.. Haiz... No work no money.. The whole time I'm at hospital, I keep on sleeping.. Hahahsa.. So sleepy.. Maybe coz of the medication.. I miss my son... Sigh.. I miss nurul also.. Wonder how she is now.. Think she's good with raudah now.. I hope I can work tmr with 1 hand... Hahaha...

Oh gosh

Hey...I'm done with my shoulder operation.. Im updating using one hand... Haha...I've been spending one night here since yest... I went in to operation theater at 11 am.. They set up everything and put me on gas.. After a while I knockout.. I woke up around 230 pm... Still sleepy.. Haha.. My shoulder is very sore n slight pain now.. Going home later if everything is ok..I haven't smoke since 8 am yest till now.. I'm not craving for it.. I think it's coz of the anesthesia.. Haha..I'm going to slp.. Tired, sleepy, pain..

On my way to hospital

Hey people.. I'm on my way to hospital for my shoulder operation.. If anything happens during the operation to me, I would like to seek forgiveness from everyone.. So yah.. Fri I'm back to work.. My new employer doesn't know I'm going for my shoulder operation.. So yah.. I need money.. That's why I have to work.. Update later if I manage to wake up from my operation..

Am I a cry baby??

I realize I've been crying a lot the past months.. I easily cry when watching sad story.. I don't know why.. I just manage to feel the story and how they are feeling in the real life.. I put myself in their shoes.. Even for love story, I will cry.. Haiz.. I think there's a lot of sadness in me.. I keep a lot of things in my heart for so so so long.. No one to share with.. Sucks feeling I must say.. If I die during the operation, my wish is to see my son.. Thats all.. I wish nurul and Karmilah all the best in their life.. I ponder about my journey of life too much and too deep.. No one can help me except god.. Cry cry cry..

Shoulder operation tmr

Hey people.. I'm going for my shoulder operation tmr.. Will be reporting at 8.45 am and the surgery will be at 10+ am... Haiz.. I will have to stay one night overnight over at the hospital.. Friday then I will continue to work.. Sigh.. I need money that's why I force myself to work on fri.., fuck.. I just have to be really careful when I work.. I can't move my shoulder much.. Not sure whether I will be able to update my blog tmr.. I try k.. I hope to see my son and nurul when I wake up from surgery tmr.. But I know it's impossible.. Sigh.. They don't know that I'm going surgery tmr.. Today's work was great.. Met new dogs and breeds.. So cute.. I'm beggining to like my new job as I get to see new breed of dog everyday.. Hahahaha... I miss my son.. Felt so jealous when I saw young parents with their children.. Fuck sia.. The feeling is worse.. I hate it.. I want to rest now.. Update when I'm free k people..

2nd day at work tmr

Tmr will be my 2nd day at work...looking forward to it.. Excited to see the darlings at work that will be coming there tmr.. Will have the chance to play with them.. Hahaha.. I miss my son.. That's what everyday I'm going through.. Watched azura on YouTube.. Nice story.l learnt abit about relationship and marriage life.. I'm still single... Hahaha.. One of the last few to get marry..

Wondering why

Im wondering why Karmilah doesn't allow me to see my son?? Is it because she thought I'm seeing another women behind her back?? Haiz... I won't take away my son from her.. I just want to see him and do my part as a father towards my son... That's all.. Haiz..

I'm so jealous

Im so jealous seeing couple with their children... Im deprived of being a father.. I'm deprived of show father's love, care and concern towards my child.. Arrggghhhh... I wish Karmilah and nurul a happy hari raya aidilfitri.. Maas zahir Dan batin.. Nurul must be happy now.. Coz she has totally forgotten about me.. She's enjoying the moment with raudah.. Must be busy spending time with her.. Never mind.. My turn will come soon.. Sigh and sian..

Hari raya 2nd day

Morning.. I'm awake early morning.. Sigh.. I've been waking up very early for the past months.. I don't know why.. Even though I always sleep late at night.. People will be coming to my house today.. I won't stay at home.. I will go out.. I don't want to see any of them... But I don't know what to if I go out.. Movie?? Sigh.. See la what I can do later..

Haiz

1st day raya is going to be over soon.. I'm at home since after watching movie in the morning.. As usual, I never get to spend it with my son.. As expected.. I hope my son enjoys his day with his mum.. I guess nurul has totally forgotten about me too.. Which I don't care at all.. She must be busy texting and calling raudah.. Hahahahahah.. Tmr yet another day.. I've nothing to do also.. Tues than I'm working.. Haiz.. I hate myself.. Fucking hate myself.. My manager called me.. He say he's going to introduce me to some people.. I guess most probably is animal trainer people.. I hope to learn more and get a job with them even if it means I have to travel regularly..

Bored during 1st day of raya

Im so bored and lonely.. My family went out for visiting of relatives.. I'm all alone doing nothing.. I don't know what to do.. I've got no friends... Sad.. What am I going to do today and tmr?? I'm not working on both days.. Haiz.. I don't know la.. Most of my friends that are married is celebrating with their wife and children.. Me?? Stuck at home.. I'm one of the last to get marry.. My best friend is registering their marriage on 1st oct.. Happy for him.. He got a Chinese wife that has already being converted to Islam.. Sooner or later, he will be busy with his marriage wife and I'm left on the book shelves.. Why can't I lead a happy life?? I've been sad and lonely for many many years.. Arrggghhhh.. I really need to find that someone soon.. I'm not desperate but I just want to get out of my sadness and loneliness... Is that so difficult??

Today is hari raya

Selamat hari raya to all.. Maaf zahir Dan batin.. I never celebrate hari raya this year.. Only my family.. As usual, it's meaningless for me to celebrate without my son and my love ones around me.. I do miss my son badly.. Very badly.. Sigh.. That's my fate I guess.. I don't know when I will get a girlfriend or a wife.. I really need that her to be by my side.. Coz I really need companion.. I'm very lonely.. I need some one to talk to everyday.. I've so many things that are kept in side.. A lot of them.. I never express out my thoughts and feelings.. I only do that when I'm very very close to that some one.. Guess what, I watched movie just now.. Greedy ghost.. Imagine, morning of hari raya, I watched movie.. That's how lonely I am.. Sigh.. Hope my son and Karmilah enjoys hari raya together with her husband and her family.. Sad.. I cried early morning.. Don't want to talk about it..

Hari raya

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim and my handsome son... Maaf zahir Dan batin.. Maafkan ayah my dear son.. I've been thinking about you ever since your mum and I separated... Haiz.. Dah 3 tahun, ayah ingin sangat nak sambut hari raya with you.. Tapi tak kesampaian.. Ayah harus bersabar.. Ayah harap your mother Nya hati will be soften soon.. This year I'm not celebrating hari raya yet again.. Last time I celebrated was year 2008.. Together with Karmilah and her family.. I admit theres a lot sadness in me.. I admit I cry easily nowadays.. Coz of the sadness and all that has been haunting me all this while.. I don't know how to describe the feelings.. Only god knows.. Nurul sudah hilang Dom hidup aku.. Karmilah and my son pun sudah hilang dalam hidup aku.. What else can I say?? Adakah aku bapa tak bertanggung nawab?? Ada kah Nasib aku sebigini??

First day at work

Just reach home.. Was an eye opener for my first day at work.. Nothing wow about the place as I expected.. It's a small place I must say.. But the different dogs that I'm going to see and just now was truly a wow.. That way, I can see more behaviors displayed from the dogs.. Coz I want to study their behavioral and their way of showing body language.. Coz one day, if god will, I want to be a dog trainer or maybe even a multi animal trainer one day.. I started late at my age but with patience and fast learning, I can do it.. I believe even without certification I can still be a trainer.. Through words of mouth, news will spread and eventually I will have more clients in future.. Tmr is hari raya.. I miss my son.. Later takbir will be played over the radio.. That's my favorite.. Coz high chance I will cry upon hearing it.. I want to celebrate hari raya with my son.. I never got the chance to feel how a dad feel even though I'm a dad now.. If not I'm a husband to Karmilah now.. Haiz.. I have to have a lot of patience and think positively.. Ingat pada tuhan.. He loves you more than any one.. I have to be successful one day and I want to prove to all of them that has looked down on me before.. I want to be famous one day.. I can.. I need motivation now.. I haven't found some one that can motivate me.. That is my future girlfriend and wife.. I need that some one to appear in my life now.. Im so lonely for most of the year.. That's why I always give to my fullest when ever I'm in a relationship.. Even though I still make stupid mistakes in relationship.. Fuck.. Just have to learn from it..

Morning lovely people

Hey.. I'm on my way to work.. I definitely going to enjoy my work today.. Although I will start from bottom, I know he day, I will be there... Hahahaha.. Good.. My passion for life.. Yippee.. I'm so excited.. Update after work k.. I'm going to relax and chill in the train now..

I'm thankful

Im so thankful that I have Allah and my blog to talk to when I'm lonely or need some one to share with.. Although I won't be able to hear their reply, I still appreciate it a lot.. For I know they will always be there for me throughout.. I'm starting my new job tmr.. So excited about it.. I hope I can last in this job even though the pay is very low.. I'm single, no plans to marry, so I should be able to get through with that pay.. I have to be very thrifty in every way I can.. I must get an early rest tonight.. I'm tired also.. I miss having a girlfriend though.. I miss having someone beside me.. Haiz.. The right girl for me has not yet appear.. From young, when people asked me, at what age I want to get marry.. I told them 30 years old and above.. And it is really happening now.. No doubt that I almost got marry when I was 25 years old.. Sigh.. Ok la people, time for me to sleep.. See you around..

Raya is coming

Im not celebrating hari raya.. As usual.. I will be at home.. Same as the past few years.. I like to hear the takbir.. Coz I will cry.. It just touches my heart.. My son will be in my mind and I will be thinking about my life.. At times I do miss my grandparents.. All have passed away when I was in primary school.. Haiz.. I guess my next girlfriend if I were to have one, will be a Chinese.. Coz my this job is dealing with dogs.. I don't think Malay girls wants her bf to work with dogs.. Hahahaha.. So ya.. Higher chance I will get a Chinese gf.. I miss my son badly.. Haiz.. I do miss ilah but no point.. She has a happy family now.. I'm falling sick now.. Don't... Coz tmr I'm starting my new job.. Shit man..

What a day

Finally, this blog is working back.. I've quit my new job.. I went to 2 interviews today.. And guess what I'm starting tmr one of the job.. That job is what I've been looking for... Although the pay is going to be very low than my zoo pay, but I feel I will stay long in this new job.. It's my passion.. Thanks to poh choo who told me about this job and recommend me to the job.. Now on the way to settle my stuff and after that I'm going home.. Need a good and early sleep tonight..

So fucking tired

Fuck.. Today was a fucking tiring day.. Legs aching, body aching, brain super tired.. I didn't get to close any sales today.. Fuck.. No income today.. Oh god.. Please help me.. I need to improve badly.. I can't every week never close any sales... Like that no money.. I want to cry.. I need some motivation.. I need to endure.. Seriously I can just break down now if I want.. I'm controlling.. There's still tmr.. I need to hit my sales target.. Oh gosh..

Tired

Im so tired... But I can do it.. I'm On my way to work now... I can do it.. My goals today to make 5 full pitch, 100 approaches minimum and 2 sales.. That's my aim for today as I'm still new... Ok people, I'm going to revise now.. See ya people..

Good night

Im done with my revision on my work material.. I'm ready for tmr training.. I just need to read it through one more time before I start my training.. These few days, I'm so busy with work that I never think of Karmilah or nurul.. That's an improvement.. Soon I will forget about these 2 ladies.. Yea.. That means I've got over them and out of my mind.. Awesome.. I'm going to sleep after I blog.. I'm so damn tired and shag... Can't blame as I'm still getting used to my new job.. Making money is what I aim for.. This job is very challenging.. Be it mentally or physically.. Both are equally tired.. I don't think I have time for relationship.. As those that works with me, there's a mutual understanding in their relationship.. Hahaha.. Tts good but I don't agree on that as we tend to be very busy and no time for the other partner.. Shandy is cute actually.. But too bad she has a bf.. Hahaha.. I asked around.. But I'm not suitable for her.. I'm not good looking, she's young and she's earning more than me.. Shes a high expenses lady.. Not my type.. I'm looking for a simple lady.. That's all.. Ok la, nurul haven't been contacting me lately.. Tts good... Most prob she's busy with raudah.. I'm so happy with her.. All the best ya.. Good nights people..

What a day

Ended my work early... A lot of things to brush up.. Managed to close 1 deal today.. But that also with the help of my colleague.. I need to work hard and I will pay them back that 1 deal soon.. Homework tonight to do.. Training tmr.. I believe a lot of effort, hardwork put in will show me the benefits that I will get in near future.. Promotion to corporate trainer in 2 weeks.. I'm aiming for that.. I can do it zaman.. Tmr going to be another long day.. So gonna rest now.. In the train right now.. On my way home.. Coz later got a lot of stuff to do.. See ya..

Hey guys

Morning people.. I'm on my way to work now.. In the train.. Today's schedule for work is... Training, office visit, role play, meeting, and field sales... Wow.. A heavy schedule and hectic day.. Never mind.. It's all in the mind.. I can do it.. 3rd and 4th September I'm going to nanyang girls high school for wwf campaign.. Will be going with 7 other of my colleagues.. Will be an exposure for me.. Need to read up things before I go there.. Hahaha.. Okie la.. Update again after I end work.. Guess will be at night.. See ya..

I can

I must tell myself that I can do this... Success and rich... You can zaman.. Fuck.. I'm having terrible headache now.. Shit you.. How am I suppose to do my revision on my work.. Argghhh... I must think of the money that I will be making.. The weekly bonuses and stuff.. All that money will be in my pocket.. My aim is to be the top achiever once I'm more steady in this new path... Tmr another day.. Training, role play, meeting, office visit and field sales.. Will end late at night.. Have to endure.. Have to zaman.. Remember the success that you want to achieve one day.. Don't let your laziness bring you down k.. You must do your work and revise.. I've got no worries for relationship now.. I can fully concentrate on my career.. I can end work late at night and earn extra income.. I can work on weekends on my own will to achieve higher income.. All these aree for money and the skills that I want learn and achieve in me.. Once Im rich, don't expect me to look at people who has been treating me badly.. Puit.. Spit on you guys.. I will make sure I appear on magazines and newspaper and all.. I'm going to sleep for a while.. Waking up in a while to do my research nd study.. Good night people..

Shandy

Last sat I went for the chalet cum BBQ session with my new company.. Shandy keeps coming to entertain me, talk to me and makes me feel part of the family... At that time, I didn't think much.. Today, she show signs of her being interested in getting to know me more... She took me and few others for lessons today.. She keeps calling out my name and uses my name as her example in theory.. Then when comes to bell gong session, she walked towards me and stand beside me.. We looked at each other and smile sweetly.. She can stand where she is but she choose to walk over beside me.. During our meeting with the rest, she sat opposite me in the table.. I can see that her eyes keeps glancing at me.. I too at times glance at her.. Hahaha.. First impression of shandy.. Hmmm... Pretty, elegant, sweet voice, medium height, nice lady.. I admit I did feel attracted to her abit when I first saw her the other day.. But well, we shall see how it goes... Wait till, I tell her my history and past... Not sure whether she will still accept me... Hahahaha.. I'm thinking too much.. Lol.. She's younger than me.. I guess around 24 or 25 years old.. But I shall know her age soon.. For now, I'm just going to get to know every one better.. If shandy shows signs of interest in me even more, I will give her a chance.. I will let her to get to know me even deeper and that same goes to me.. But no relationship for now.. Shandy is one of the high post there.. So I'm not her standard yet... Hahaha.. Soon.. I will be promoted.. That is I have to be strong, thick skin, and dare to do it.. Fuck care everything.. Just do it..

Induction done

Hey.. I'm done with my induction training.. On my way home now.. Going to revise a lot of stuff later when I'm home.. A lot of things to study.. Tmr will be the first day, I'm doing my job on field.. Hope it goes well.. Today was tiring.. Mentally tired.. A lot of things learnt today.. Sigh... Tmr another day.. I'm going to do even better.. And try to close at least 1 to 2 sales.. Pray for me.. Ya Allah.. Tolong lah hamba mu ini... I want to forget about Karmilah totally.. Upon seeing the Facebook picture, they must be leading a happy life now.. So yup.. I will try my best to move on and get busy with my new job... Btw, I have a feeling that there's this lady in my new company trying to get near me.. Just a feeling.. The way she behaves and all.. Her name is shandy... She's pretty and Chinese.. Well, I see how it goes over the next few weeks.. I shall not make any move now as I'm not ready.. If she makes the move, then I will act accordingly.. Okie la people.. I'm in train now.. Going to rest my mind.. Have a good day everyone..

I can't sleep

Its already 1 plus in the morning.. I still can't sleep.. And I need to wake up early morning tmr for my new job.. Sigh.. I look into Karmilah Facebook.. Saw my son.. He's now a grown up child.. Chubby.. Fair skin.. That's how you look like my dear son.. Daddy miss you so much.. Her husband seems to treat my child as his own.. Looks like it.. From the picture, my son is so comfortable with him.. How I wish that guy was me... I guess I have to forget about Karmilah.. I don't want to ruin her happy marriage life with her husband... It's so hard.. I feel like giving up.. Arrghhhh... I'm so mad at myself.. Fucking mad at myself.. Fuck you zaman.. I've lost Karmilah and my son to him... I'm useless..

All set for tmr

Im all ready for tmr new job.. Bag packed, clothes and pants ready, shoe ready... All is ready.. Ready to embark on my new journey in my new career... What I'm lacking now is moral support... From someone I love or someone that love me.. Haiz.. It's okie.. I can do it by myself.. Ilah, just to let you know that, I'm starting my new job tmr.. I'm doing sales and marketing.. My job description is sales management trainee.. If I do well, I will be promoted soon.. That's why it's called management trainee.. I hope you will give me your blessings... I will be on the streets most of the time.. At the same time, I'm hoping to bump into you as well.. Everyday I'm praying to Allah to let me meet you once again.. I've proved you wrong.. You told me I won't leave my job in the zoo.. But I did.. I resign.. Due to some problems that I'm facing now.. How I wished you were there for me when I'm facing all this problem.. You are the only one that knows how to motivate me.. Many people says that you are not suitable for me due to our difference in character... I choose not to listen to them.. Coz I know you are a very special lady which all of them doesn't know about you.. Now I don't know how are we going to see each other if ever you are visiting the zoo.. Definitely, you are going to ask the people that you know, whether I'm working... They doesn't know where I work now.. Hell no that I'm going to tell them where I'm working now.. I don't want them to destroy my career.. Coz they are really a bad people.. Nur Karmilah Abd Karim, the name has been engraved in my heart for the longest time.. I doubt it will go away.. If ever, there's a lady that loves me, should I give her a chance?? I'm scared ilah.. Coz I still love you very much.. More than last time.. I know your family won't be able to accept me again.. I know you won't love me anymore.. It's going to be different.. I'm just living in my dreams of getting you back into my life.. As usual, I've got no one to tok.. No one at home that I can talk to.. None of my friends that I'm unable to share with.. I keep everything to myself.. Every single things.. That's why if ever I have a serious relationship, I will treasure her the most.. Coz I need her for everything.. You know my life ilah.. Why I've got no one to tok or share with.. Haiz.. This year I cried a lot.. Really a lot.. Maybe I'm emotionally unstable.. Every single thing ilah.. That's why, what I'm hoping now is that I'm able to find and make more new friends through my new job.. I'm aiming to be a manager within this 2 years if I'm able to stay long.. I want to give you or my future wife a very good life.. Not having to worry about money.. Which I am now.. Money is my main concern now.. I've got 3 loans to pay, 2 hp bills to pay, credit card to pay, monthly allowance for both my parents, my daily expenses.. Haiz.. It's never going to be enough if I never work hard and earn mo money.. That's why I decided to take up this job.. The money that we will be earning, through our hard work, perseverance and all, is definitely going to huge.. Trust me ilah.. I just need moral support from some one that I love.. Cry.. Cry...

Soon to break fast

Breaking fast without Karmilah and my child is the worst ever feeling.. I feel something is missing from me and in my life.. Haiz.. Hope to see them real soon... Banyak kan bersabar zaman.. Minta Dari Allah.. He's the only one that can help you out.. Ease your mind my dear zaman.. If I were to go into next relationship, will the next lady be able to accept for who am I?? A guy with a son.. A guy that still loves her ex fiancée.. Haiz..

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim

Ilah.. Please allow me to do something for you and our child.. Let me give you some money every month.. At least.. I've been wanting to do that ever since our child was born.. But I wasn't able to coz we have lost contact.. Haiz.. I want to do something for the 2 of you.. I don't know why until now, you still don't allow me to see our child... Even if you are still angry with me, the child has the right to know who I am and I have the right to take care of our child.. It's not that I don't want to be responsible.. I wanted to badly.. But the barrier now is, you don't allow me... Why ilah?? Why ilah?? You don't know that I've been thinking of you and our child everyday.. I suffered emotionally as a result... Ya Allah, tolong buka lah hati Nur Karmilah Abd Karim.. Padamu ku pohon ya Allah... Kenapa harus ya Allah memberiku cubaan ini?? Hambamu sudah cukup menderita selama ini... Ilah, I still love you...

Officially out of the zoo

Exit interview done, clearance form done, all done.. I'm officially an ex staff of the zoo from now onwards.. Chatted with some of the old and new colleagues.. Talk about the old memories.. Sad about me leaving.. I didn't realize how much impact I have made on them... Well, I got to leave sooner or later.. So I make it now... Until today, people has asked me to pull back my resignation.. But I simply refuse.. One of my old colleague, told me this.. I've changed over the years.. I'm not the zaman he used to know.. It's all because of Karmilah and my son.. In my heart, I told myself.. But I'm glad that, he say now he can see the old zaman back.. Slowly coming into my life.. A lot of advise he gave me.. He also told me things that I should have done for Karmilah and son.. Too many things which I don't think I'm going to blog here.. So yup, my chapter with the zoo has ended and over done with.. I shall not look back.. Moving on is what I need now.. Don't waste time.. Build up my career from scratch.. Tmr is the day my new chapter of life will begin.. I'm looking forward to it..

The day has come

The day has arrived... Today is the day, marks my last official working day with the zoo.. I'm leaving behind my memories, the animals, the experience, the career that I've built up for the last 5 years, my first full time job.. That place has brought a lot of memories.. Getting to know Karmilah and nurul in the zoo.. Going into relationship with them during this period.. Sigh.. All that I'm leaving behind.. Tmr marks the new chapter of my life in a new book.. New job, new career, new life.. Tmr onwards, I will be dealing with human more than animals.. Haiz.. I'm moving on when I step out of the zoo later.. I will never look back.. Coz it will bring pain memories to me.. Karmilah and my dear son... I miss you two.. Where are you now??

I've found the answer

After watching syurgamu ramadan over and over again.. My love has found an answer... That is I realize I'm still waiting for Karmilah and my son... Yes.. They are the ones.. Maybe god put me through the relationship with nurul is for me to find out what exactly love I'm looking for.. I don't know.. I'm just guessing.. Patience is the key to it.. Like how I've been doing it for the past 3 years plus.. I just have to keep on waiting and be patience.. Insyallah one day, I hope god will let us cross our path together and opened up her heart once more to love me again.. Yes.. I still sayang kan nurul.. But feeling of sayang is different.. The feeling of sayang towards nurul is friends.. Not love.. Karmilah, you know what.. I just hoping that the marriage you told me before with your husband is just a fake one.. I hope it's not true.. Maybe I'm trapped in my promises and trapped in love coz of me refusing to let Karmilah and my son go.. Yes, it takes time for us to love each other in the beginning but the love between us has grown when we are together.. Till now I realize I still love you... Yes you maybe someone else wife but I'm also someone else lover.. And that lover is you, Karmilah... Sigh.. Sigh..

Here I am again

Im so bored now.. Tmr will be the last day I can rest whole day.. Tuesday starting new work and no time to rest... Hahahahahaha... Let me share with you guys how Karmilah and I first found out that she was pregnant.. One night, quite late, she called me.. She say she's not feeling well.. Her stomach or something.. Can't really remember.. But quite serious.. So I went down to her house, bring her to hospital in a cab.. I think should be tan tock seng hospital.. We went to a&e and from there she receives her treatment.. After doing blood test, urine test and all, we overheard over the counter that Karmilah is pregnant.. We were shocked but we decided to wait till the doctor sees us.. So the doctor called us and we went in.. It's confirm that she's pregnant.. We were shocked but at the same time, our mind says don't abort the baby.. So the doctor sent us to Kk hospital that very night in an ambulance to double check.. So, it's confirm after the second check.. I must admit, both of us was in shock at that moment... So I sent her home and we sat down for a while near her area.. It was very late at night.. We discussed with each other on our next step.. Both of us came to a decision.. That is to keep the baby.. I emphasize to her, I don't want her to abort the baby and I will take full responsibility of it.. We plan when to tell our parents and when is the best time to get marry and all... So that's how, we found out that we have a child.. The next few months, I accompany her to Kk hospital for her monthly or weekly checkup.. We even started to buy baby clothes and stuff.. It was a memory that I will hold in me till I die.. Shopping for baby clothes is not easy.. Hahahaha... Whenever we go out, I will really take care of her.. Make sure she doesn't fall and all.. I will touch her stomach, hear the movement of the baby and even talk to the baby.. I must admit, I did suffer a little.. Karmilah attitude and behaviour changed.. As in she become more temperament and short temper.. Guess pregnant woman knows the best in this.. I told myself to endure and patient.. I never did scold or argue with her even though I know I'm not in the wrong.. Coz the more she angry, the more it's not good for her and the baby.. I must admit, Karmilah is the prettiest girlfriend I ever had... Pretty in her own way., I just can't describe it.. So far she's the only one that understands me the most and the best.. She loves me the most.. Sigh.. Sigh.. I've been talking about Karmilah and my son lately... I really miss them... I want to see them badly.. I mean it... Cry...

Happy fasting ilah and son

I will like to wish Karmilah and my son happy fasting.. Not forgetting her husband and her family.. Another fasting is going to be over in a week and I've missed the chance in breaking fast with them yet again.. It's okie.. Kuat kan semangat.. Sabari zaman.. I will be blogging lesser and lesser starting this coming week.. I will be very busy with my new work.. Judging from the nature of the work, I will be damn tired by end of the day.. This blog is where i can talk my hearts out.. Complain, sufferings, things that I'm facing in life and every other things.. No one will ever know the existence of this blog of mine.. I'm free to post anything I want here... Karmilah and my son.. I love both of you guys..

Lone ranger

Went out to buy stuff for my new work.. Clipboard bought.. New pen bought.. Bag re use my laptop bag.. Shirt done.. Pants done.. All done.. Ready for my new embarkation of my new job on Tuesday.. All I need to do now is to study the product and my pitch.. That's all.. I'm going to practice and learn later.. Watched movie alone just now.. Bourne legacy.. Boring movie.. Sigh.. Not worth the money.. Been watching movie almost everyday for the week... Bankrupt already.. Hahaha... My mum asked me about my child.. Sigh.. I never reply to her question.. Asked about nurul as well.. Nurul and I are not fated to be together.. That's what I told her.. I'm proud of myself that I no longer sad over nurul and I'm thinking even lesser now about nurul.. Karmilah, where are you now?? Are you still staying in yishun?? Or have you moved out from there since you are married?? I hope we will be able to meet up one day.. I hope your husband will be understanding.. I have to control myself and just wait for that faithful day to come.. It may take years.. 10 years or even 20 years.. Why has god give me back the love feeling now towards Karmilah?? There must be a reason behind it.. Sigh.. How I wish I know the reason..

Sunday

Its Sunday people and a very good morning to all of you.. I slept around 2 am yesterday night and now I'm awake around 930 am. Slept so few hours only.. Sigh.. I'm both physically and mentally tired now... I dreamt of Karmilah yesterday night..Im thinking of nurul lesser and lesser nowadays.. Nurul is no longer important to me anymore.. I really miss Karmilah.. My beautiful and understanding ex fiancée... Is it a sign from god, that after so long we part ways, I suppose to go back with her one day?? I admit that my love for Karmilah is coming back in me even though we haven't meet for over 3 years.. I've to bear in mind that she's married now.. Ilah, I hope to see you on the streets one fine day.. I miss you so much., I miss our child so much... I miss both of you so much... Ilah, I promise to earn lots of money and save up once again... In case, one day, we decided to be together and get married.. I don't care if you are divorcee or what.. I will still accept you and for who you are ilah.. Hope to see you and the child soon..

I'm home

I just reach home not long ago from the chalet cum BBQ session with my new company.. Shared cab home with 3 other people... Its already 1.05 am.. Hahaha.. Overall, it was nice.. They really opened up to me and treat me as part of the family.. They are not stingy in sharing tips.. I'm glad.. I'm looking forward to work with them next week.. I must do well and make myself proud in being promoted to corporate trainer within a month.. I can do it.. I had a lot of fun there just now.. Play games and chit chatting with my new colleagues.. Oh well.. Zaman you must succeed.. Btw, when I was at the chalet a flash back memory occurs to me of me and Karmilah, my ex fiancée.. We booked a chalet before and we spend our day together in chalet.. Just the two of us.. It was sweet memory.. We will go out and enjoy ourself and buy food to eat.. All that kind of stuff.. We treat it as our own home for the day.. It was cool.. I miss her now.. I must say.. Next week is hari raya and Im quite sad coz another raya going to reach and over soon but I will never get the chance to celebrate it with my son and Karmilah.. The pushing of baby stroller, changing of diapers and all those thing that a father should do, I didn't have the chance to do it.. Sigh.. All this are fated to happen to me.. God has predestined my life to be like this... Now, I must do well in my new career.. Overcome all the obstacle that I'm going to face and earn more money by doing well in my new job.. I can definitely earn more.. I've done my calculation.. If everything goes well, I can save up for a full marriage plan within 2 years.. That money I'm going to keep coz I have plans.. That is to use that money to get marry with the next girl that is lucky to have me.. I promise... Maybe Karmilah or maybe some one new.. Only god knows.. I'm so so tired now.. Mentally tired.. Headache has come to me now.. I'm thinking too much now.. About earning money, Karmilah, my son and my new career... I should worry less coz if I worry more, it's going to bring me down and affect me.. I must be strong and able to move on with perseverance and endurance.. I can do it.. Zaman, nurul has moved on with raudah by her side.. Karmilah has moved on with her husband by her side... I don't see why I can't move on.. I can.. It's a matter of time.. Do get over it fast and done with.. Have faith in yourself..

BBQ time

Hey people... I'm on my way for the BBQ.. Waiting for it and ready to mingle around with my new colleague.. I hope they can accept me as part of their family.. Let me continue my story on Karmilah.... We have been through a lot together.. Even though we lasted only for a while.. The stories that she told me about her past... Her life journey.. I really symphatise with her.. I thought I can take great care of her but I'm wrong.. We din last.. The things that I bought for her... Dress whenever I get my pay.. Cause I want her to look good.. So that she will feel good in herself... Not only dress.. There's other stuff too.. I sacrifice my financial needs just for her... I miss her now.. Whenever I'm down or feel shitty, she will always be there for me... No matter how late it was.. She even willingly come to my void deck to wait for me at 6 am and go work with me.. Cause we fought the day before.. I still can remember that she slap me once on my face.. I forgot what wrong I've done... But it's a well deserved slap from.. So far, she's the only one that has slapped me.. It means, she truly loves me... When she bought me breakfast, she will called me and ask what I would like to eat.. She will leave it on the locker room table if I'm busy with my work... I will give her money every month without fail.. For her to spend while waiting for her pay day.. The late night supper we always had.. From newton food market to lau pa sat to changi to anywhere.. It's awesome.. We will spend the night together if she doesn't want to go home.. When she's down, I will be there for her without fail.. I will patiently wait for her at her void deck every time we plan to go out.. And I will send her home without fail even if it's early in the morning... We pampered each other in every way we can.. She bought for me shirt, Bermudas, watch, wallet, shoe and all.. I bought for her dresses, shoes, watch, wallet, bag and many other things.. I even accompany her to buy her in side clothes.. You guys knows what I mean by that.. It's just so sweet... She really made me feel special... From couple ring to engagement ring.. We have bought it and done it.. We nearly bought our marriage ring.. Haiz.. But didn't make it.. Haiz.. All those are memories now.. I can only treasure it now and be reminded of it every now and then.. So people... Please treasure your love ones.. Don't let it go wasted..

Boring and a little story about my ex fiancee

Boring day.. Going for BBQ session at east coast later with my new company.. What am I going to do now?? How's nurul?? Hopes she's fine.. I'm guessing that she and raudah must be happy being together with each other.. Happy for nurul.. Lately I've been thinking of my son and ex fiancée.. Thinking of my son, I can understand but why suddenly I think of my ex fiancée?? She's great in taking care of me... She loved me whole heartedly... Though she has bad past, I don't care... I accept her for who she is... I'm just stupid that i doesn't appreciate her enough.. She never fails to msg me no matter how busy she is.. She bought for me breakfast almost everyday coz we worked in the same department.. So sweet of her.. The times we quarrel, we argue and all shows that how much we loved each other.. She will called me out of the blue and say she misses me, she love me and stuff.. I miss all that.. Nur Karmilah Abd Karim, I wish you all the best in your life and your marriage life... Even if one day, you decide to be back with me together after you divorce, I will accept you again provided I'm not attached at that moment.. You are unique in your own way.. Out of all my ex gf, you are still the best.. You give me memories that it's hard for me to forget.. You give birth to my child.. You suffered during your pregnancy.. After you left me, I suffered.. Thinking of you everyday for over a year.. I can't accept the fact that we part our ways.. We are so closed in getting marry.. Things has plan out, stuff to buy has been planned and we make all plans together.. And you thought I don't have money.. But you were wrong ilah... I kept it all because of our marriage.. Save up for our marriage.. After we part our ways, I was so depressed, I spend all the money.. Coz I don't want to have any memories of it.. After we part our ways, it took me 3 years before I get into next relationship.. Nurul Zarifah BTE Zainal is the lady after you.. We didn't last long.. Lasted only one month.. But it's okie la.. Not fated I must say.. I thought I have found the right lady for me to settle down.. But I was wrong ilah.. Nurul doesn't love me anymore because of my stupidity.. Nurul is now together with her Malay manager, raudah.. Nurul become lesbian all because of me.. It's all my fault.. Ilah, I really do hope one day, you will open up your heart and allow me to see my dear son.. Hari raya is coming and I will like to wish you selamat hari raya aidilfitri.. Maas zahir Dan batin.. All the best to you and your husband.. Kirim Salam pada your Kak long, along, Kak Ngah, your adik and the two lovely nieces of yours that was once close with me.. I'm really sorry that I forgot your nieces name.. I miss them too.. I still remember the times that we always goes out together... You will dress up nicely and makes me looks good.. I appreciate that.. I will always buy you clothes so that you can look great in yourself.. The time that I spend the night at your house when your Kak Ngah child passed away.. The time we watched tv together at your house.. The time we were together at my house.. The time we go out with your friends.. The time we go clubbing.. The time we spent our moments together alone.. The time i will pamper your nieces and buy stuff for them.. Bring both your nieces out together with you.. We are like one happy family... Everything ilah.. Still in my memory.. It looks like it just happened yesterday.. I tell myself everyday to be strong, to get over this and to get a new girlfriend and move on.. Every single day without fail.. Haiz.. And I'm still doing that now..

Fuck you headache

It's here again.. Fuck off you headache.. You have been bothering me for the longest time... I'm going for BBQ tmr with my new company.. Nice of them to invite me when I haven't even officially start with them yet..appreciate it guys..l

Induction training day 1

It was good...  Everyone was good.. After going through induction day 1, I've realized it's not so easy to work in this line.. I've set my goals and targets.. There are consequences I have to bear and sacrifice... I believe with the training that I will be received, I can do it... Targets and numbers... Thats what I'm aiming for.. Earn money and lots of money through that.., I can do it.. I've got 1 month to prove myself or if not out I go...I can do it.. I mustn't disappoint myself to make money.. I must stay in this line for a while.. Money is good.. I just need to think of money I will make if I success.. C'mon zaman... Tmr I may go to the chalet of new my company.. Nice of them to invite me over.. Everyone is friendly.. Coz we only have each other to make money, and motivation comes I'm one another.. Looking forward to start work next week.. All the way zaman the man..

100812

I'm on my way for my induction training... Just received news that mojo, a ferret, has passed on.. Well mojo, hope you will be happy over at the rainbow bridge.. Meet and make new friends over there.. I'm staying strong now... Coz I still do think of nurul.. I need to get over this soon.. Sigh..

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim

Nur Karmilah Abd Karim... My ex fiancée.. 26 years old this year.. Born on 25th July 1986.. One day before my birthday.. We first met in the zoo in the year 2007.. We worked in the same department.. She goes by the name of Nur, ilah, Karmilah or baby... I used to call her all that.. We started our relationship on 9th Feb 2008.. I'm so proud of you.. Thank you for discussing with me about the child future with me when we first both found out that you were pregnant.. I'm so proud of you that you never come across your mind to abort the child.. In fact you are willing to give birth the child and suffer during that 9 months.. I'm also against the idea of aborting the child.. The child is innocent.. You have moved on with your life and you are married now.. I'm so happy for you.. I hope your husband treats the child as his own.. Thank you for telling me the child birthday.. 4th June 2009.. He is 3 years 2 months 4 days old as I'm typing this blog... I really hope, one day you will open up your heart to let me see the child.. I don't blame you for choosing to believe your family and it caused us to part our ways.. That point of time, no matter how hard I tried to explain myself, you choose not to hear me or believe me.. Allow me to tell you the truth now.. I didn't cheat behind your back.. I never see any girls behind your back... That day, you and me supposed to go out but you were in bad mood and decided to cancel it.. I understand your mood coz you are mid way of pregnancy... I choose to go out myself and coincidencely, I saw my friend... We chatted and have dinner.. That's all.. From there your family saw me and got the wrong impression of me... I wished I could just went home straight that day after you cancel.. All that misunderstanding, has caused me to lose you, caused me to not being able to see my son from when you are 5 to 6 months pregnant to the child is born till now... Haiz.. I regret it ila... I just waiting everyday to being able to see my son.. I've changed my hp num.. I no longer used 83745107 and I've resigned from the zoo.. I don't know hot to contact you or you to contact me.. But 2 years back, you went to the zoo and met up with me.. Thank you for sharing with me our child photo.. Nice of you.. I'm really sorry for not being able to be there for ever since.. Well ila, I hope you are happy now with a happy family... All the best Nur Karmilah Abd Karim...

Boring Day

Oh well... Another boring day.. Tmr I'm starting my induction... Hope everything is going well tmr.. I hope I will enjoy my stay at there... Even though I know I must work very very hard to earn my sales and money, I can do it... Endure... Monday I'm going back to the zoo to sign all the clearance form and it's officially my last day in the zoo... Goodbye zoo.. I didn't expect that my new job will be this one... Hahaha... I miss nurul but it's definitely going to be over soon.. She's together now with raudah.. Oh well.. All the best to them in their relationship together with each other.. I can't wait to see my new colleague tmr... Lol.. I'm targeting 6 to 8 sales per week starting on wed.. I must aim to achieve it.. That means 1 day, I need to clinch at least 2 to 3 sales.. I can do it.. Even if I have 0 sales for the day, I will look forward to the next day and do better.. Reflect on myself what gone wrong on that day... Yea.. Next week starts of new challenge, new work, new environment, new colleague and everything is new... Bye people..

Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal.. This is for you...

Hey nurul.. This is for you.. I hope you will read this...

Ku mengatur langahku,
Berjalan Tampa bayang-bayangmu
Langit dan bumi setia
Menemaniku
Matahari menyinar tak pernah
Berpihak padaku
Ku kepanasan tanpa
Perlindungan mu
Hari berganti hari aku
Masih teguh menanti
Hadir dirimu dalam
Hidupku ini
Rasa kecewa ada bila
Kaki penat berlari
Namun yakin ku
Kau kan ku temui
Ku tak kan pernah
Cuba berhenti
Langkah ku mendaki
Cinta
Yang ku tahu hanya
Untuk diri ku
Akan ku terus cari
Sampai hujung dunia
Kerana ku tahu, akan
Ku jumpa dirimu
Dan aku akan terus
Menempuh mimpi-mimpi ku
Selalu
Ku lihat semua gembira
Bila mengenali erti cinta
Senyum ku beri
Hanya duka

080812

I'm heading to the hospital later to visit my mum.. She's been warded in the hospital.. After which, Im going to meet nurul at cck to pass her the sim card.. Then I'm done for the day... My mystery friend wants to visit my mum later.. Just let her visit I guess.. The bracelet and the watch that she give me for my birthday, I'm going to return to her later.. I don't want to accept it as I don't want her to get the wrong idea that I love her.. I don't love her at all.. Sorry nurul, for not breaking fast with you today.. I've got no choice but to do this.. I just want to forget about you after what you have told me and now you are together with raudah... So yup.. You have made me stronger than before.. Be happy with raudah, hope you pass your bike license and stuff.. But just don't forget to continue your studies.. That's most important.. You may not see it as important for now but later in your life, you will regret it if you never pursue your studies now..

I'm still thinking

My assistant manager called me at 730 pm just.. He's has plans to make changes to the department and he wants me to work closely with him.. I will be with him most of the time.. Wich means,he doesn't want me to resign.. I know that if I follow him, I can learn more about animal training and other stuff.. I'm not sure.. My ind is stuck.. Haiz.. He asked me to consider it over the next few days..

Nurul called me around 920 pm juz now.. Her sim card broke.. I know it.. If she has problem she will come and look for me.. If she's happy, she won't bother to call me.. And I'm meeting her tmr to pass her the new sim card.. And she wants to break fast with me.. If her sim card doesn't break, do you guys think she will want to break fast with me?? Hell no man.. I'm going to be mean to her tmr.. I will pass her the sim card tmr and after that I will go off.. I don't want to break fast with her or even stay any longer with her.. I'm going to tell her this.. Nurul, since you have sim card now, im going off now.. You don't need me to break fast with you.. You can call your best friend or raudah your Malay manager to break fast with you today.. I want to forget about you and I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore... Okie nurul.. Take care.. Simple as that.. If she wants to say anything about me, let her be... I've got no freaking time for her anymore since she treated me this way ever since.. I'm not being egoistic here.. If she doesn't turn up by 830 pm, I'm just going to leave tmr.. I won't wait for her... No point.. She may just cancel it last minute again or made me wait for hours... Which all this, she has done it to me before.. I'm immune to it already.. Nothing new.. I still do love her but I won't let any girls to treat me this way.. I want them to respect me like wise I will respect them.. Nurul, if you are reading this, do make yourself clear k.. I'm not going to break fast with you tmr.. Better ask some one to accompany you.. Raudah should be free for you.. Okie people.. I'm just need to rest my mind.. With my mum still in the hospital and with all the resignation that I have to think of.. Take care people.. Good nights.. Miss you son..

What a day today

Hello.. My mum got admitted into the hospital again... Haiz.. What is happening to my mum?? Going out in a few minutes with car to go hospital.. All my family are at the hospital now.. Really worried about my mum.. Sigh.. I went to the zoo just now.. To meet up with my manager and assistant manager.. They wants to know my decision whether I will accept their offer and pull back my resignation letter...  My answer to them is still the same.. No.. I will still resign.. We chatted for a while.. One thing that they say touches me.. There's a few person that went up to them and say this.. Don't let zaman go or resign.. We want him here.. He can work and we know he does his work well.. So, please try to talk to zaman not to go and resign.. Haiz.. I'm so touched by that few person.. I don't know who they are exactly but Im guessing I know who say that.. I'm so sorry guys to disappoint you guys.. But my mind is made up and I've decided to resign.. Thank you so much guys for saying that about me to the manager and assistant manager... Now I know who is real friend of mine.. Do keep in touch whenever you guys can.. My assistant manager say this to me that wakes me up immediately.. Whatever it is zaman, your sad life, your love life that has gone, leave it behind and move on.. No point being sad.. Coz no one is going to be there if you are sad.. No one knows.. In your new work place, your new boss and new colleague doesn't know you.. And if they see you like this, they will think otherwise.. So zaman... Buck up and change.. You have a few more days to go and change yourself.. People I've met today, really look at me into their eyes.. I asked them why.. They say almost the same thing.. Which is.. I'm very sad to see you leave.. We have worked together for so long.. The things we have done, the crazy stupid things that we did together during the old times and all... We going to miss that.. Do come back here and work one day coz we all like and love you.. Haiz.. I almost cried when I hear that from them.. Even my assistant manager says that people here likes me a lot coz they can joke and fool around with me.. I shall not say anymore.. Let me be the ones that knows all these.. Till then..

Resign or not to resign

My assistant manager called me yesterday night at 12.30 am... He asking me whether I want to take back my resignation letter and would like to transfer to rainforest fight back show... Haiz.. My manager asked me last Friday.. But I haven't give them the answer yet.. Now I'm on my way to meet them to tell them about my decision.. Which is, I will still resign and will not accept their offer... I know they still want me to continue working there but I've made a choice.. I don't want to work in that type of environment.. No one understands the shit I'm going through there everyday.. I really appreciate their offer.. Coz almost everyday, they will ask me to not to resign... I'm so sorry to disappoint them.. But I need to move on with my career and life.. My assistant manager advises me that economic is going to hit Singapore and its going to be hard to find job out there.. They didn't know that I've a lot of job offer out there waiting for me.. It's better for them not to know where I work or people may destroy my career that I'm going to build from scratch..

My child in my ex fiancee stomach

This picture is my son in my ex fiancee stomach.. My son was only 12.7 weeks only.. This is the only pictore or photo i have of him with me right now.. Miss you dear son.. i dont even knoe your name.. May you spend this year hari raya with your mum, step dad and your nenek and auntie uncle on your mum side.. Be happy and be a good son...

Good Morning Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal

Good Morning Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal... I have been wanting to message you and ask you how are you and all those stuff.. But i refrain myself from doing so.. Because i choose to forget about you.. As i have said in my earlier post... I hope you are fine.. Dont work too hard.. Study hard and well.. Hari raya is coming, i hope the preparation is going on smoothly and well for you... Nurul Zarifah, i must admit that  i miss you alot and i still love you a lot as before... I hope to spend this year raya with you but it is impossible i guess... I never message or call you doesnt mean i dont love you anymore... i still do.. i just want to go through this bad stage of mine alone.. i wish you all the best in your future, your studies, your family and your love life... Here is a short message for you :

Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal, You are the first lady that really captures my heart.. You never fail to remind me to perform my prayers and never fail to encourage me to take up and learn about islam and prayers.. I know you really care for me but because i hurt you alot and deep, you choose not to show the care to me... You are a sweet girl with a good and pure heart... I really regret for hurting you and letting you go out of my life.. I will never ever find a lady like you.. Even though our age are far apart, i really appreciate you and i dont mind going through all the obstacle with you like i have promised you earlier on.. Thank you so much for giving me the chance to love you and be with you.. Thank you so much for loving me too.. I may not know how to take care of you and your heart.. Thats because, i am still learning to do that.. You never fail to make me think of you everyday.. That shows how much love i have for you and how much impact you have made in my life now.. Once again Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal, take care and enjoy your life with your love ones right now.. I do hope you will still visit my this humble blog when ever you are free.. Till then Nurul Zarifah bte Zainal..

Companionship

I'm walking alone by the streets.. With the sky, cloud, sun, moon and Allah as my companionship throughout my journey.. They never fail to be with me 24/7... I'm going through this moment of bad patch of mine with them.. I'm glad that I live for another day to view this beautiful world... From my health that is getting worse to my relationship that failed recently to everything... Companionship is all that I need.. Some one that I can share what's inside me and things that I've been  keeping to myself for so long.. I'm getting stronger day by day.. Outside I may look strong but inside me is very weak... Why do i choose to keep quiet even when people bad mouth about me and makes me looks bad? Reason is why should I retaliate? Why should I stoop to their level? Why should I make hem look bad? Coz I believe in karma.. The same thing will happen to them one day.. Well nurul... Have. Good hari raya celebration with your family and your best friend and Malay manager... Coz I believe by now, you have forgotten about me.. It's okie.. I'm cool with it.. You only will find me if you are in trouble.. If you are happy, you won't find me... Well well.. I say all this coz it's my feelings... I'm not sure if it's true.. If you want to scold me, go ahead.. I won't feel anything.. For that's who you are... I've choose to leave you.. I've choose to stop loving you.. I've choose not be with you.. I've choose not to disturb you.. Its all because your pure heart is with some one else.. You know who I'm talking about.. It's all written in between the lines in all your msges over the month... I kept it all this while and I've just deleted all the msges a while ago.. You have changed.. You are not the nurul that I once know.. You are still young.. Go and find your true love out there and don't find me if you have any problem.. Coz I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore.. I want to forget about you completely.. Yes... Total completely... Your hp num, just use it k.. I will pay till the contract ends..

Just finish learning my new company e learning

Mentally tired.. Just finished reading and learning about my new company e learning tutorial... Hahaha.. I'm outside all alone now.. Phew.. I'm all geared up for my first induction on Friday..  Headache and migraine is starting.. Sigh.... My smart attire, my black shoe and my work material are all ready for Friday.. My first induction.. My so call first day at work.. I'm free this week coz I'm clearing leave.. I will be having my shoulder surgery on 22nd aug.. Date is set.. Not sure what I will have for my break fast later.. I'm beginning and slowly take it easy about nurul.. I will do my utmost best..if ever I were to go into relationship in future, I will look for Chinese.. Malays are the same... I had he same encounter with all my Malay ex.. Spend too much money on them.., my friends that has a Chinese girlfriend is different.. They share their money when ever they goes on date... They share everything not only money.. Malay doesn't think far ahead.. Why does Chinese are successful now ad days? Coz they dare to think far, dare to dream and dare to invest or do things., Malay does not.. Malay are too scared.. Malay are skeptical about things around them.. Why does Malay has a lot of pre maritial sex?? Including me.. I had once and even had a son.. Coz we doesn't think about the future and we are immature.. That explains why I prefer to have Chinese friends instead if Malay.. It helps me to be mature in my thinking and stuff.. That's why, in terms of financially Malays always lose out..

Hi all

Hey... I went to watch dark night rises alone just now..good movie.. Hahahaha.. Been watching movie everyday alone... Been listening to the syurgamu Ramadan song.. Nice and capture my heart... Wonder what is nurul doing now?? We haven't been contacting each other... Hope she's fine.. Patience is what we need in love.. I'm learning from it.. Patience is the key to success..

Syurgamu Ramadan

Syurgamu Ramadan, one of the best malay story.. watch it on you tube if you have time.. episode 1 to 14.. It really touches my heart and i never fail to cry in almost all of the episodes... The theme song is nice and touching.. the story is about a family, their love life, their marriage life, their grandchildren and their life.. Perasaan cinta itu ada lah pinjaman dari Allah.. Perasaan cinta itu bukan hak milik kita.. Allah can always take it back from us.. we should appreciate that feeling... Marah tanda nya sayang... benci tanda nya rindu.. thats the feeling of some one that doesnt know how to express it out to their loved ones... if we dare to love or miss some one, we must dare to show it to them.. don't keep it.. im just so touched by the storyline.. after watching it, it has opened up my opinion on love matters... i cant be selfish... i dont know how to express it in here... but... my love for nurul, rindu kan nurul is exactly like how yasin misses her sis so much and love for nurul is how the mother loves her husband (watch the last episode where the mother visit her husband grave and you will know why i say like her mother).. my perasaan terpendam... i dont know how to express to nurul what im going through now.. please click on this : Syurgamu Ramadan ... to listen to the song..

Sunday

Just ended watching movie alone.. Watched total recall.. The modern technology they used is awesome.. As I was watching, was thinking about nurul.. If she decide to change her number or don't want to contact me anymore, I have to learn how to deal with it.. I can't possibly be stalking her.. But I will still pay for the number that I give it to her.. It's okie la.. This will be the last that I will buy for a girl new hp and new number.. And this will be the last that I'm paying the hp bill for a girl.. She doesn't know that I'm suffering inside me right now.. She's way too busy with her work, studies and who ever she is contacting with or she in a relationship with anyone now.. I love her a lot and that's why I bought her a lot of things and give her money during our short 3 months of knowing each other.. I'm sacrifice a lot during that period.. She doesn't know... I have less to spend for myself, I control my budget and stuff.. I don't mind spending on her.. Does she appreciate that?? I don't think so.. I've learnt from this lesson and let nurul be the last lady that I will spend on and give money.. The next girl that appears in my life, I won't do the same... Coz it's not worth it.. I will be suffering alone and only Allah knows if the relationship will work out if I were to treat the girl the same way as I treat nurul by buying a lot of stuff for the girl.. Wife from a poor family doesn't really care about money... They only want true love with pure heart... Not all but most of them..If I really can't get a wife, then I may think of getting one from Thailand or Bali... Hahahaha... Like the hp that I bought for nurul, soon after that she changed her mind about blackberry and she was thinking of getting iPhone.. I was so affected by it.. She doesn't know that I took great trouble to buy the hp for her and yet she wants to change it... Very sad by her decision.. I didn't show my feelings to her coz I don't want her to be affected..I want to help her make her own decision and build up her confidence that's why I didn't tell her that I'm sad.. In fact, I supported her decision.. Haiz.. If  really appreciate it, she won't have thought of changing it.. Sigh.. Never mind la.. I don't think she will be reading all my blog.. She doesn't even save my blog link.. I can't expect much from her though.. She's still young and she has her freedom in her way of thinking.. Maybe when she's mature enough, I hope she will realize how much I've gone through for her..

Still here

I'm still at the Merlion... Haiz... Why am I like this?? My dream to work in the zoo has ended.. My dream of getting a wonderful lady as my wife has ended.. Sigh... My tears has rolled down a thousand times over the month... My eyes are consistently red as if I'm on drugs.. My heart has suffered another setback.. Hurt and destroy... I cried hopelessly everyday... I'm tired of crying everyday.. My brain is exhausted with all the things that are in my mind.. My life is at the lowest peak right now... I need some motivation to keep me going.. I've thought of ending my life.. My health is deteriorating... I miss nurul a lot... Haiz.. The more I want to forget about nurul, the more nurul always appear in my mind.. Her images keeps playing in me... Why has nurul decided to let go of the feelings?? Just because of my mistakes that I've done to her?? Haiz...

I'm outside

I cried and cried and cried.. My eyes are so red now... Reach marina square.. Just in time to watch the ndp fireworks.. Didnt know today was the ndp preview.. It was nice though... I'm sitting at the Merlin now near esplanade... I just finish crying.. My flu is getting bad.. I'm just very down and sad about nurul.. I will never get to see nurul again.. Today was the last time I saw her on the buggy this morning with her Malay manager.. Oh god... In my mind, I want to end my life right now by going into the river right in front of me.. I don't know.. Ya Allah... Please guide me.. Enlighten me and show me the way.. Help me get over this... I don't know where to go after this.. I'm lost in my mind.. I can't think.. I've written a letter to my family and nurul.. I hope my family will find the letter if I decided to go away from this world.. I hope my family will pass the letter to nurul.. I never felt this way before when my previous relationship fails.. Nurul, forgive me.. I din mean to hurt you in any way.. I promise myself not to hurt you when we first started.. I didn't expect my attitude and my doings tohurt you eventually.. I regret.. Full of regret now.. I miss the chance to be with a wonderful lady that I've ever met in my life.. Thank you once again for giving me the chance to love you and and be together for 1 month... I treasure you the most.. Be happy in your relationship now... I hope your Malay manager will give you happiness for she understands you well and always there for you.. There's nothing more for me to say now.. I prefer to keep it in me.. Just let Allah and me be the ones that knows it... Bye nurul.. I love you very much..

Very down and sad

I'm going out now... I've got car.. I don't know where I will  be heading to.. I'm not going home tonight.. I'm very down and sad.. Haiz.. Bye..

My last day

Hey all.. I'm home... I'm done with work in the zoo... No longer working there anymore... I saw nurul on the buggy with her Malay manager.. They were sitting very close to each other.. Shoulder to shoulder... That was the last time that I see her.. As of now, I don't think she wants to meet me anymore.. Good for her that she has her Malay manager to be together with.. If she wants to be lesbian with her Malay manager, by all means... I'm so sad that I'm unable to bid her goodbye.. She hasnt been texting me lately.. I wonder why.. Never mind.. I'm not important in her life anymore.. Coz she must be busy texting her Malay manager... I have to move on with my life and find a new girlfriend if I'm able to overcome nurul... Decided not go out with my mystery friend.. For some reasons as I don't want to give my mystery friend the wrong impression.. I don't want to go into relationship with her... Nurul, do take care of yourself please.. May you be happy with your Malay manager together.. All the best to both of you... All this has make me an even stronger person than what I'm used to be.. No point thinking and brooding over nurul... For she's not going to care for you anymore.. 9 more days left before my hp number 83886986 will be terminated... New career, new job, new friends will get my new hp number which I already have.. Some of my old friends has gotten my new number too... I still feeling regret for not giving nurul the 2 rings that I've bought for nurul... No point.. She's not going to wear it even if I give it to her.. Coz her love for me has died long time ago... Next few days before I start on my new job and my shoulder surgery at NUH, I'm going to go out and chill out.. Relax... Forget about everything and start my new job with an empty mind.. So guys.. See you all soon.. Till here.. Bye people..

Last day of work

Morning people.. Today marks my last half day of work in the zoo... The day has finally come... Had a dream last night.. I was with my ex fiancée and my son.. We were back together.. But my son has grown up to a few year old kid... Sigh.. If this is real, I will be happy to take care of my son.. Make up what I've lost in the first few years of his life..

Good nitez

Good nitez people.. Haf a good sleep tonite.. It's raining heavily here... Nice to cuddle coz I'm feeling cold... Hahaha... Once I start my new job, I won't be able to update as often as now.. Coz I will be busy learning,upgrade myself and stuff to achieve great success.. God has started to give me back the strength that I need all this while.. I'm getting stronger and stronger each day.. I'm starting to think less about nurul... That's a good sign for me to forget about her.. I'm moving on step by step now... Wish me luck to be famous and rich one fine day.. All those that is cruel to me, will come begging to me for job and money... Wahahahahahahahahaha.. Yes.. I'm cruel to them... They got no life.. Everyday work and doesn't want to move on with their career and see the outside world.. They are too comfortable in what they are doing now.. Stupid assholes.. Now I know who's my real friend and who's been pretending towards me... Watch your back assholes...

Back home

Hey.. I'm back home.. Decided not meet up my mystery friend for Geylang bazaar... Coz I don't want to give my mystery friend the wrong impression.. Oh well.. My another manager talked to me.. Asking me whether I would like to pull back my resignation and be transferred else where.. I don't know.. I don't think I want.. I will resign.. Haiz.. Sigh... Move on to your next career zaman.. And today a lot of zookeeper wishes me all the best.. I don't know how they get the news but it really spreads fast to most of the zoo keeper in the zoo.. They kind of shock lah when they know I've resign.. They know I can work.. I've some problem now and I'm not going to post here.. That's why I'm resigning.. Tmr half day of work and I'm gone from the zoo... Still having flu now.. Fever subsides.. And btw, people at work has even bad mouth me.. That's what I heard from some people at work.. I don't know how true it is.. But I don't care.. Politics at work are the suckiest on earth.. If you guys want to bad mouth me, do it in front of me.. Dont do it behind my back... Stupid bunch of people with no balls.. Once I'm out, I'm not going to be who I am at work.. Wait till I get success in my career and be famous, I won't even look at you guys... I'm sure you guys will be shock that I'm doing so well.. And I'm not going to post here what's my plan... Just wait and see... Tmr another date with my mystery friend?? I don't know... I will confirm tmr.. Pick yourself up zaman.. With nurul gone from our life, you need to be strong.. I'm sure I can do this by myself.. Insyallah.. In life, which I will hold in me is, patience, don't be arrogant and be humble in a way... I strongly believe karma will strike them one day, if not now.. Then they will feel what I'm feeling now... Serve them right... I miss my son... Where are you my dear son?? When can we meet??...

Lunch lunch

Good afternoon all... Having my break now.. What shall I blog today?? 2nd last day of work today.. Tmr half more day of work... Sigh... Sad but I have to move on.. My mystery friend wants to go Geylang bazaar tonight.. To buy hari raya clothes.. And she suggest we get the same color.. What the hell.. I don't know yet.. See how la later.. Update blog later.. Have a nice day..

Morning

I'm on my way to work.. Went to meet my mystery friend yesterday night at in front of my house macdonald.. Went home around 2 am.. Telling myself today is a good day and it wil be over very fast.. Tmr going out with my mystery friend after I end work.. Tmr I half day.. Den it will be the last before I officially resign.. Coz I'm clearing leave till my last day.. Not sure where we heading to tmr.. We chatted and laugh a lot yesterday night.. Hahahaha.. It's a solid and good 3 hours of chatting.. Ok la people.. Update again later..

Physically and mentally tired

I'm so exhausted.. Mentally and physically tired... My mystery friend is reaching soon.. I'm starting to miss my mystery friend a little.. Hahahaha.. Should I give my mystery friend a chance or should we have more time to get to know each other and stay as friends for bthe time being?? I don't know how my mystery friend can wait that long for me?? Are we going to be happy together?? I think I shall remain as friends.. But it's not going to be fair to my mystery friend.. Sigh.. So hard to make a decision on this.. My mystery friend says that next week, whole week is for me.. My mystery friend knows that I'm clearing leave.. But meeting on weekdays will be after my mystery friend end work.. Weekends anytime.. I have to discipline myself not to mention about umi or contact umi anymore.. Umi doesn't think of me anymore.. Umi doesn't really msg me anymore.. She and her best friend are very close.. I think I know her best friend is.. Coz I've seen that photo before.. I'm not going to mention who.. From now on, umi can go to her if she's bored, sad or need help.. Umi doesn't need me anymore.. I shall not call her umi anymore.. Let this be the last I call her umi.. All the best nurul.. I'm so going to forget about you.. My love for you has decreased.. Slowly it will disappear.. Don't call me ayah anymore.. Stop all these things.. It's over between us.. If you need help, go and find your best friend or your other friends.. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore.. Till then blog.. I'm going to get change and get ready for later.. Good nights..

Done for the day for work

1 and half days more to go.. I've got another job offer.. Interview will be on Monday morning.. Alhamdulilah.. Now I can rest my mind about finding new job.. All these will be my back up job if I fail in my new job later on.. My mystery friend coming to my area later late at night.. Will be chilling at macdonald in front of my house.. Hahaha.. I still remember my ex fiancée comes to my area early morning.. Reason, coz we fought and quarrel the day before.. And she knows she's in the wrong.. That's why she came to look and wait for me and send me to work.. She came around 6 am.. She din go home after we quarrel.. Those were the days and memories.. All zookeepers that heard me resigning is persuading me to stay in the zoo.. Every single day, they will ask me.. A lot of things they say to me.. And I'm taking this opportunity to thank all of them that I met along the way before I officially resign.. The other day, my mystery friend surprises me.. The photo we took together years ago, she framed it up and show it to me.. She places it on her work place table.. Haiz.. I don't love her now.. I don't know la.. I see how it goes.. My mystery friend coming around 11 pm after terawih.. The way it looks like umi is not giving me a second look, I've got no chance at all in winning her back.. My mystery friend is kind enough to tell me to go back with umi if ada jodoh dengan umi.. From the way it looks like, I don't think umi wants me back.. Coz she has her best friend with her now.. I'm waiting for the day to follow my assistant manager.. Insyallah.. My mystery friend understands that I will be going to work overseas frequently.. And guess what my mystery friend say to me..  Zaman, if I can wait for you from the that time till now, what makes you think that I can't wait for you to come back if you go overseas.. And I can always visit you in which country you are at that point of time.. Touching... But get this right, my mystery friend has never been in a relationship with me ever since we know each other.. Ok la.. Time to break fast.. Update again later tonight..have a nice day..

Break

I'm having my lunch break now.. Very hot day today... Msging my mystery friend now..  I haver told my mystery friend yet...I'm scared to go into relationship again... For I still love umi.. Sigh.. Going home straight after work unless I got plans with my mystery friend today.. Excluding today, I'm left with 1 and a half day left of work before I start clearing my leave and off till my last day.. I don't want to blog for now.. Wait till I end work la.. No mood..

2 august

Morning all.. I'm on my way to work now.. Chatted with my mystery friend for 2 hours plus on the phone... That's quite long... Chatted about alot of things... And she just texted me saying good morning and miss you loads.. Eeerr okie... Why did I still contact umi yesterday? I know the result will be negative and hurting.. Haiz...  Sabar is all I can do now.. I will get over this hurtful moment..

Fuck you zaman

Finally.. This blog is working.. I'm so down.. I don't think umi will ever give me the 2nd chance to be with her anymore... Fuck you zaman.. Fuck you zaman... Read in between the lines lah zaman.. She don't want you.. Her best friend is everything to her...  Zaman... You have your mystery friend.. Give it a try.. No harm.. Whatever umi wants to think of you, let it be... Zaman.. Move on.. Maybe your mystery friend is better than umi... Face up to the reality lah zaman.. You have been trying to be nice to umi for over a month.. Umi doesn't appreciate it.. She don't even care or show you a little of hope.. She shut it down zaman... She wants you out.. That's it...  Give your mystery friend a chance lah zaman.. Not fair to your mystery friend.. Your mystery friend has been trying to care for you and even dare to declare the feelings to you lah zaman.. Umi doesn't know how suffering m I now when she did a lot rejection towards me.. My heart has sunk deeper and deeper.. Ya Allah.. How am I suppose to go with life?? Move on zaman.. Move on zaman.. Give your mystery a chance.. That's all.. Try it out.. The way your mystery friend treat you, the way she gives you semangat, the way your mystery friend show care and concern to you... Everything lah zaman.. Open up your eyes and see.. You don't deserve umi.. She doesn't bother to give you a second look lah zaman.. You are not handsome zaman.. Remember this.. But you are lucky with girls... There's a lot of girls waiting for you zaman.. Don't be picky.. Don't be choosy... Ok lah.. Blog later... My mystery friend calling me now.. I will tell my mystery friend that I will try it out with my mystery friend.. So be it.. Whatever umi wants to think of me.. Umi is a past in your life.. Bye..

Lunch break

Good afternoon people.. Having my lunch break from work now.. My assistant manager talked to me again this morning.. I will heed his advise.. And he told me something.. Which I'm not going to post here.. Coz I don't trust people.. I will make a name for myself one day.. Insyallah.. Mark my words.. Famous and rich. I will show people what I'm capable of.. I must not be arrogant and proud.. Just ended chatting with my mystery friend on phone.. Asking me how's my day and stuff.. Meeting on sat.. Coming to fetch me at work.. Coz I half day on sat.. My mystery friend wants to bring me somewhere.. 1st day of hari raya, my mystery friend asked me to go to the house and spend the festive season there.. I see how.. Coz I long time never celebrate hari raya.. My assistant manager knows that I've been thinking a lot and hasn't been sleeping well.. Coz he trains animals and het rains people too.. By looking at my eyes, he knows.. It's true la.. I've been thinking a lot.. Umi, my work, my career.. All these I've been thinking everyday.. I don't think umi will ever msg me again as I've told her to forget about me.. It's a good thing la.. Good for both parties.. Me on my part, will try my best not to contact her anymore.. Coz if I work overseas, I will be very busy.. Maybe months, maybe years, maybe never come back at all... That's why I decided to let her go.. It's thundering at work.. Going to rain soon.. Ok la people.. After work today, I'm going to the hospital to visit my mum.. She was admitted this morning.. Till then people.. Love you guys.. Bye..

I'm letting umi go

Good morning.. I'm on my way to work.. I'm letting umi go.. I love her that's why I'm letting her go.. I love her that's why I want her to be happy with some else that she loves.. I love her that's why I'm willing to sacrifice my love for her for some one else.. I love her that's why I'm doing all this.. I love her that's why I choose to walk away.. I love her and that's why I'm willing to do anything to forget about her.. I love her that's why I don't want her to get hurt by me anymore..  I love her that's why I want her to move on.. I love her and that's why I don't want her to suffer wi me anymore.. Do take care umi..