On my way back home now from work.. Charmaine called me earlier on.. She confide in me for something.. She can't forget me.. Sigh.. What shall I do now???? She wan meet up with me later after I end my part time job.. Hmmm.. I will love to give this relationship a chance but I'm not sure.. Given my current working hours and the stuff that I'm going through right now.. It's very difficult.. Haiz..

Damn it.. I've calculated all my bills.. It's damn fucking a lot.. It has been going on for the past few months.. Shit.. This must come to a stop.. I will see what's gone wrong that all my bill increased like mad.. On my way to work.. Ot today.. Nurul and I texted each other yesterday.. I don't know why it happened.. I also don't want to think much.. Feel kind of pity for her.. Sigh..

Damn it.. Lately I've been itching to get new phone... Arrgghhh.. Thinking of getting Samsung galaxy s4... I'm controlling myself not to buy.. If I get s4, I will sign up a new line.. The old line I will terminate it.. We see how it goes.. My heart still hurts.. Yes it still does.. Tmr I'm off but I need to drive my dad to hospital for his appointment.. Provided the doctor call today and confirm the appointment for tmr..

Decided to work on wed and fri for my part time job.. Wed 7am to 6pm fri 7am to 1pm.. I taking my full off day on tues.. Hahahaha... Waiting for transport to go home.. Lol.. Work was ok today.. My kakis at work all off today.. Lol.. I'm the ic tonight.. Hahaha.. Tmr a lot of pple are working.. Yeah.. All my kakis are back at work tmr.. We gonna have fun tmr.. My body still can take the insufficient sleep.. I must keep going on strong for the sake of my son and to earn money.. Well.. That's just me.. I will keep going till I collapse.. Tuesday I shall spend my day recovering at home and sleep.. Should I go out next Monday?? Not sure yet.. No plans at the moment.. Good nitez people.. I want to have my rest now while waiting for my transport..

Slowly, my ex fiancée friends that knows her works with me.. Is this fated?? Am I going to be able to meet up with her and my son soon?? Oh gosh, I don't want to keep thinking on that.. It's a small world.. To think of it, I've been working in this line for 8 years.. Oh my god.. That's long.. I started off as a part timer who doesn't know anything at all.. I grew up over the years and now, I've become a respectable ic and a leader to my colleague.. I'm off on tues and wed.. I'm not sure if I want to work at my part time job.. Grrrr... It's sun today and I see a lot of families going out together.. And I'm working.. Lol..

On my home after home... Yippee.. Hahahaha.. Ended work at 5pm today.. Quite sleepy at work today.. Guess tonite I'm sleeping early.. Not sure.. I'm used to sleeping late at night.. Tmr I'm working at 2pm.. So I can have a longer sleep tonight.. Next month, my reservist mate is getting marry.. Lol.. All the best bro in your new life.. Not sure if I'm going to the wedding.. Son, daddy has something to tell you.. I'm really sorry.. I didn't azan kan at your ears when you were born.. I didn't carry out my responsibility as a dad to you.. I didn't even spend a single second with you after you were born.. I miss you dearly.. Remember to study hard and listen to your parents and grandparents and your uncle auntie.. Don't ever mix with the wrong company.. Be wise and responsible towards your parents k.. IF ever your mum told you why I wasn't with your mum, and if you believe your mum, I won't blame you and your mum.. Coz both of you doesn't know the truth.. So daddy willing to take everything and be responsible for it.. Only god and myself knows what happen on that day.. And why I don't want to find your mum and you is because, your mum is married now.. I don't want to spoilt their marriage.. And daddy did ever ask your mum when can I see you and your mum reply now is not the time.. So I respect her decision and never question her anymore.. I don't want to fight your custody with your mum coz I believe your mum has the right to keep you.. She carried you for 9 months in her tummy.. That's a heavy responsibility..that's why I choose to back off and suffer alone right now.. Daddy misses you and your mum so much.. No one can ever replace your mum.. Your mum has the best inner beauty daddy has ever had..

Morning people.. I'm on my way to my part time job.. In the first train.. I'm opening shop today.. Hmmm.. Yesterday night nurul and I texted a few msg to each other.. Nothing much.. Just a normal friend text.. Hope she's recovering well from her injured back.. Well, I'm a little worried about her.. She hasn't been working for 2 months and she injured her back.. It's just me.. I'm always worried for my friend especially if he or she used to be close to me now or before.. Some of my friend always tell me to worry about myself instead before worrying about other people.. Stop worrying about other people coz no one is going to worry about you like how you does it to your friend.. Yes, I do have a few choices to select from for me to be in a relationship.. It's not the right time now and I'm not ready.. I'm way too busy with work now.. My life is ruin and I've lost touch with the outside world.. My sis is getting marry next year.. She has selected and book the food caterer for her wedding.. It will be a two day event.. 1 whole day at my side and the other 1 whole day at the guy side.. Crazy.. It's a waste of time.. If I ever were to get marry, it will be a very simple affair.. Just the nikah is enough.. No wedding reception and lunch.. It's not necessary to have all that.. It's just a tradition.. I can save up money for my wife future and our child.. I will want to retire in Thailand.. Stay there and enjoy the whole of Thailand.. I don't want to live in Singapore... It's sucks to live here.. I'm hoping to see my son before I die.. Haiz.. And yes, I do miss my ex fiancée.. We went through a lot of shit together.. Thick and thin, we are always there for each other.. Even though she's 2 years younger than me, I must say she's the best ex I had so far.. I don't know how to describe the experiences I had with her.. It's awesome.. We were supposed to get marry 4 years back but shit happens and she jump into conclusion without finding out the truth.. I don't blame her coz at that time she's a few months pregnant and pregnant woman has their mood change very fast.. And the date that we set for our wedding was 25th and 26th July.. Sat and sun.. Both our birthday.. It's over now.. I can only cherish that moments now..

Currently listening to a song title through the trees.. It's an awesome song with an awesome lyrics.. Ended work and now waiting for bus to head home... Yes, everyone at work has no mood to work today.. Coz I morning shift and I won't be there with them tonight.. Every one was complaining to me about how slow the ic works.. Totally different from my style of work.. Sometimes they just have to bear with it.. I don't want to pacify them everytime.. So yup.. Today's work for me is peaceful.. No one disturb me.. Lol.. The sun today was so hot.. Having another migraine now.. I was under the hot sun almost the entire half day.. Tmr I'm morning shift again.. Hopefully, they don't change my shift tonight.. Praying hard.. Charmaine, my dear special friend.. Please stop saying all those things.. Remember this.. You are a nice girl.. You don't have any flaws within you.. But just my feelings for you is not there yet.. Please be patient k.. One day, you may find some one better than me, if its not me.. Trust me Charmaine.. Heed my advise.. This period is definitely going to be hard for you.. I will go through this period with you k.. I will help you overcome it till you succeed.. I know we are very very close... Lets cherish that together k..

On my way to work.. It's raining super heavily and thundering.. Oh my god.. Scary.. Very sleepy at the moment.. It's all about in the mindset.. I can hang on.. My mum bought me a new bag for work yest.. Wearing it today.. Lol.. Today I'm the morning ic.. Hahahaha... Tmr another morning shift.. I shall go home straight after work today.. Rest and sleep early..

Yeah.. I was so happy to come to work after my off today.. Every single one came up to me and say they miss me a lot over the 2 days that I'm off.. Coz they like the way I am as an ic.. They hug me.. Lol.. My close colleague came up to me and mention that they have been saying to each other and to him that they miss me a lot when I'm not around.. Now I'm back after my off.. Hahahaha... I told Charmaine not to come tonight.. I don't want tire herself out.. Tmr I'm morning shift and they asked me to change to afternoon shift.. Lol... I kindly say no as morning shift for me is once in a blue moon.. I'm glad that Charmaine is ok physically although not ok in her state of mind.. She cried when I give her a call just now after I end work.. I called just to check on her.. Pity her though.. Well, I told her to be strong and I will always be there if she needs listening ears or person to confide in.. I'm too nice to people I guess.. Sigh.. Should I change that attitude of mine?? Ok people.. I'm too tired now.. Starting to have migraine now.. Gonna rest while waiting for my transport to come..

Sigh sigh.. I thought Charmaine has understood what I explained to her yesterday night.. She msged me this morning around 8am.. She was on her way to work.. She asked if I could give her a chance to be in relationship with me.. I replied sorry but no.. Yes I'm cruel.. I have to be cruel.. I don't want to lead her on.. Now I'm worried about her.. I know she won't do stupid things to harm herself but am just worried if she is ok.. She told me she didn't sleep the whole night yesterday after I drive her home.. She doesn't want to text me coz she knows I'm tired and was sleeping.. Well, my answer is still no.. It's not that I don't want to give her a chance but I just don't want to go into another relationship at the moment.. She wants to come down to my workplace tonight.. Sigh.. I never reply her to that.. I'm on my way to my full time job.. Reaching soon.. Getting some rest now in the bus.. See ya..

As usual I'm on my way to work.. In the first train.. Tmr I'm schedule for morning shift for my full time job.. Sigh.. Another 3 hours of sleep tonight.. There's a chance I will request for afternoon shift tmr.. We see how later.. Met up with Charmaine yesterday night.. We talked till late night.. We talked about her work and her guy friend that is interested in her.. I won't be posting it here about what we talked last night coz I promised her I will keep it to myself... My working life has changed.. From dusk till dawn, I will be working.. What is love to me?? Charmaine asked me yesterday night.. My answer is... Love is about trust, honesty, accept for who we are, grateful that we are being love by someone, love is to be experienced not feel it, comforts the soul, be together, share your joy and sorrow, understand each other and give your partner space... Uh-uh.. That's my explanation.. She look lost but she beginning to understand after I explain to her.. And finally, I told her that I look at her as my younger sister.. Hmm.. She look dejected but she's staying strong.. I can see that she is controlling her tears.. I know she has done a lot of things for me.. I have to say it so that I won't be giving her hope thinking that we can be together.. It's going to be hard for her in the beginning but I'm sure she can get over it soon.. I will stay single as long as possible..

Reach home a while ago.. Bath done.. Dinner done.. Pack stuff for tmr done.. What is not done is rest and sleep.. I'm lying on my bed now.. Feel so good.. Any moment I can just fall asleep.. Tmr another hard day of work.. Sigh.. My sis is getting marry next year on 22nd nov.. Good for her.. She's starting her preparation stuff for her wedding now.. April is coming to an end.. It's so fast.. I've lost track of the dates.. Charmaine wants to come to my house void deck later.. She has some problem and wants to confide in me for advise.. Well, I will meet her later.. After which I will drive her back to her house.. I told her to just confide in me over the phone but she don't want.. She say she misses me and will like to confide in me face to face.. I was like eeerrrr okie... Sounds scary... But never mind.. She's still young and I don't have any feelings towards her.. She has still a lot of things to go through and learn in life.. So yup.. I'm going to rest for a while before going down to meet Charmaine.. See you guys..

I'm in the train now.. On my way home from my part time job.. Going home to rest and get ready for tmr.. I'm working from 7am to 12 am tmr.. 17 hours of work.. Endure and perseverance.. My colleague msg me asking whether she's working today or not.. I told her I'm off today and yest.. So I'm not sure and told her to check with the other ic.. She's happy that I got 2 days off in a row.. Crazy girl.. She told me to rest well and won't be disturbing me on my off day.. I'm dealing with majority of poly students, ITE students, waiting for ns.. That kind of age that I'm dealing at work.. Wahahahaha.. It makes me look younger and think younger... Lol... I can't wait to go back to work and work with them tmr.. That's it.. I've make a decision.. I've made up my mind on certain things about my life.. I'm going towards that directions now..

On my way to work now.. In the first train.. Sometimes I wonder why do I have to work so hard to earn more money?? Why can't I just relax and take things easy?? Sigh.. I'm doing it for my son.. I will never know when he will be with me.. If he's with me, I will have money to support him.. I'm willing to sacrifice my tiredness and free time to find more money for my son.. That's a father instinct towards his child.. In my case, my only child.. I can't confide in anyone coz they have not been through what I'm going through right now.. A single father that has been separated from his child before his birth.. A father that doesn't even know what his child looks like.. I'm preserving on coz of my son.. I'm staying strong coz of my son.. I'm sacrificing my rest time coz of my son.. Everything for my son.. There are times that I cried.. There are times I really want to see my son and give him a huge hug and kiss him.. My family doesn't know that I'm going through this alone.. It's very difficult for me to handle this alone but I have to.. I know I can handle this alone.. I'm getting old and I may not have much time left to live.. I don't when I will be gone.. When I die, my biggest regret will be, not being able to see my son for the first and last time before I close my eyes forever..

Just reach home.. Went to watch late night movie at jp with my friend.. Not that awesome the movie.. Quite dull and boring..almost fell a sleep in the cinema.. Waking up 5 am later.. Working..work till 5pm and going home straight after work.. Will try to have an early nite tmr... Someone texted me the other day and say She misses me as I was the last guy she dated??? I don't understand.. But never mind.. It happen almost a year ago.. So I don't pretty much bother by it.. Hope she has move on with her life.. All the best to you.. I've move on with my life.. Not looking into any relationship soon.. All these can wait after I'm 30.. I don't intend to get marry either so whether I have a gf or no, doesn't matter to me.. Love has always been a problem to me since my last relationship.. I can't stand the emotions that will be involve in the relationship anymore.. It's so eerrrrrrr.. I've learnt my lesson since then and that's why I stay single ever since my last ex.. Good night people.. I'm going to sleep now..

My schedule for next week.. Mon and fri working part time job 7am to 5pm, tues 7am to 1pm part time job 2pm onwards full time job.. The rest of the day working full time job.. No off day this week.. Lol.. Another hectic week.. Well, I can't complain coz I want to earn lots of money and make myself occupy.. I'm still at home.. No plans yet.. Decided not to meet up with Charmaine today.. Let her have quality times with her friends.. Next week pay day.. Weeeee.. Lol... Can't wait for the day to come... Lol

On my way home in the transport.. I'm off for the next 2 days.. Weeee... I can catch up with my sleep within these 2 days.. If I'm not meeting Charmaine tmr, I may go and watch movie.. Well check the movie listing tmr.. I'm hungry at the moment.. Grrrrrrrrrrr... Charmaine, thank you for the gift.. But I'm sorry I can't accept it.. That's why I return it to you when you gave me just now.. It's a special gift and I'm not even your boyfriend.. I know that we treat each other as a special friend.. But it is to a certain extent.. I'm not ready for you at the moment.. I'm sorry if it hurts you in any way.. But I have to do it.. Sorry once again..

On my way to work at the moment.. In the bus.. A very hot day.. Sun is scorching hot.. Hahahaha.. I realize one thing.. I've spent a lot on all my ex girlfriend.. Hahahaha.. I don't know why.. Maybe I'm too generous.. That's me.. Honestly, I've been thinking of getting myself a girlfriend.. A true girlfriend that is willing to go through everything together.. A girlfriend that will want to settle down and get marry with me.. It's hard to find a good and honest girlfriend.. I'm still thinking about my son and my ex fiancée.. I'm not sure if Charmaine will be my choice.. I have to think it very thoroughly.. I'm keeping my options open.. It may not be Charmaine.. Maybe someone else.. I'm just wondering will I have time for my girlfriend given the work shift I have right now.. I received an SMS from my colleague.. They want me to work today and be the ic.. I'm off yesterday and they already miss me as their ic.. Hahahaha.. Crazy colleague.. Lol.. Seriously I'm lonely now.. I haven't go out and enjoy myself for a very long time.. Valkish, raihana, Winnie, Karmilah, roslina, nurul zarifah, these are all my ex girlfriend and Karmilah is my ex fiancée which I had a son with.. All these have a unique story behind them..I haven't meet any of them ever since we parted our own ways.. Out of all these, only 2 of them has a very close birthday with me.. Karmilah on 25th July, roslina same as me, 26th July.. They are either the same age as me or younger than me.. So yup.. In 3 months time, I will be 29 years old.. In 2 months time, my son will be 4 years old.. Charmaine ask me whether do I want to follow her tmr to meet up with her friends to chill out.. I'm not sure.. I haven't give any answer yet.. Meeting Charmaine at cck lot 1 before I head to work.. She has something to pass to me.. Wondering what is it?

Juz had my bath.. Reach home about 30 mins ago.. Met up with Charmaine and we went for dinner at Seoul garden after i end work.. Nice dinner chat and fun.. Took a cab home as I was damn tired after a long stretch of working days.. I'm still having my migraine.. Fever subsides already.. Thanks Charmaine for your advise on certain matters..sorry I can't stay long with you today..

Morning.. I'm halfway through my journey to work.. In the train right now..1 and half month to go for his birthday.. I need a girlfriend now?? I don't think so.. My colleagues has been trying to help me find a girlfriend.. Crazy fellows.. Hahaha.. I don't want to go through those emotional feeling anymore.. My heart has been stab deeply and I can't recover from that.. It has left me a deep punctured hole in my heart.. Maybe this sun, I want to drive around Singapore.. Relax and chill.. Go airport or changi or where ever.. To ease my tension.. Take me away from everyone else.. I need to be alone.. When I'm down, no one is going to be there for me.. Which I'm starting to feel down at the moment.. Sigh..

Finally after 24 days of working without off I'm off tmr for my full time job.. But I'm working my part time job tmr. Hahahaha..my body is aching badly right now.. Sigh.. Tmr I'm closing shop for my part time job.. So I will be ending at 7pm.. I just can't wait for Sunday to come.. It's my full off day.. I'm going to sleep well and rest if I have no plans for the day.. Time to catch up with my sleep and rest..how I wish someone can massage my body for me right now.. Lol.. Tmr night I maybe going to meet up with Charmaine for dinner.. Not confirm yet.. If I'm very tired, then maybe another day.. Work is fine so far.. I deserve to earn lots of money this few months..I will be earning more than $3k a month for these few months.. Thanks to my ot and part time job.. Weeee... My fever is in my body.. Migraine has started.. Shit.. I need to go and rest now.. Will be waking up in a few hours for work.. Hopefully my sickness is gone by then..

Yes ah.. Tmr my 24th day of working straight.. I survive.. Fri I'm off but I'm working at my part time job.. Hahaha.. My full off day will be on sun.. It's my sleeping day or trip to bird park with my parents.. I'm so damn fucking tired now.. Very very sleepy.. Waiting for my transport to come..I only sleep a total of 9 hours over the three days.. Including tmr will only be 12 hours of sleep over 4 days.. That is equivalent to at least 3 days without sleep.. I'm having a very bad migraine now.. Sigh.. A very bad migraine.. Shit man.. Maybe coz I've got no enough sleep.. My ankle is fine now.. Walking normally.. My body is very tired.. Ive to hang on till sat.. I can do this.. My body is feeling feverish now.. As usual at work, I've to settle the staff issue and all.. I'm gonna go and rest now.. I can't take it anymore.. Arrrgghhhhhh.. I'm in pain..

On my way to work.. Hahahaha.. It's only 525 am.. Lol..my 3 hours of sleep has already started.. Die la.. Help... So sleepy at the moment.. Sunday, please come very fast.. I'm looking forward to sun.. My full off day from all work..

On my way to work.. Starting at 6pm.. Today is my ot.. This whole week I'm working at 2 places.. That means I will be having only 3 hours of sleep every night.. 2 weeks I have not been working for my part time job.. Yesterday, the staff pour their hearts out to me again.. They have their own things to say to me.. I just listen and give them advise.. A new ic is coming up soon.. They still love me as their ic.. They love me, they are happy working with me, they say I'm very humble, I'm not bossy.. I do things together with them even though I'm not supposed to do.. We work, play, have fun together as a team and family.. They know that I'm working very hard, working on 28 days stretch and they can even come up to me and say, zaman, go and rest.. You don't have to do anything at all.. Just guide us and we will do everything for you.. That's how they are to me.. I just receive a call from my colleague.. Asking me to buy drink for them.. Lol.. So funny.. Btw, they have been asking me do I ever get angry?? Coz every time they always see me smile.. They never see me get angry before.. Wahahahahahaha.. I smile to them and I say yes I do get angry.. But don't test it... If I get angry, it will be a full blast angry... K la.. Blog till here for now..

Just had a haircut.. 2 months I never had a haircut.. Wahahahahaha.. Now on my way to work.. Lol.. I will be having my high key reservist from 31 oct to 8 nov.. Lol.. Plus my off day from work, I will be 2 weeks away from work.. Wahahahahaha.. Yeah.. I shall go for my reservist.. No matter what.. Tmr I need to ot and definitely I'm going to ask for 6pm.. Either I want to catch up with my sleep or bring my parents to bird park.. They have not been there for very long time.. If not tmr, den it will be the following Sunday.. Including today, I have 6 more days of work before I get my full off day.. 2 months to go to reach 4th June.. My son 4 years old birthday.. Next year he will be entering k1.. I hope I can help them financially if they need me too.. I've lost 4 years of watching my son growing up.. I don't even know how he looks like or hold his hand... Sigh.. I can't take it anymore.. I'm grieving inside.. People at work doesn't know that I'm suffering from this.. Coz I never show it to them.. My parents and family also doesn't know that I'm still thinking of my son.. Sigh.. I'm proud of myself of not asking her to abort the child..

I've ended work.. Now on my way home in the transport.. Didn't do pretty much work today.. New ic is under training and I'm overseeing it.. Just working of the animals that I did today... Today's the staff mood is tense after what happened yesterday.. Luckily I'm around coz their mood changes for the better as I'm at the back with them.. They don't like the new ic though.. Out of the 3 ic, I'm the best to them.. Well, earning their respect as a leader is what I did.. Another thing happened at work today.. The staff confide in me.. Give them advise.. One day, I will make the current situation better.. I'm happy that they look at me as their leader and ic.. They respect me a lot.. I've done it.. I've accomplished it within a short period of time.. When I get scolded from the boss, they are there for me.. They stood for me.. They feel it together with me.. Now, some of them are sick and they pushed themselves to work coz they don't want to let me down.. They know I give them everything to do which they aren't able to do last time.. Every night I have a very great team working with me.. Cheers to you guys.. One day, we will go dinner together and it will be on me.. To show my appreciation towards you guys for your hard work that you have done for me.. I still has my bad point as an ic.. But I will improve on it.. Tmr I'm working at 2pm.. Next off day on sun which I've to ot.. I will request for 6pm on sun..

I hate to handle manpower and staff issue at work.. I've got no choice as all of them are young and their maturity level is not there yet.. Tired.. Lol... Charmaine, thank you for massaging my sprain ankle.. Appreciate it a a lot.. Hopefully I can get my off next week.. Now I'm on my way to work.. Starting at 6pm.. Ot today.. I tink I will fall slp throughout my off day..my body is starting to give way now.. Ankle sprain and now feeling feverish.. Sigh..

Ankle sprain

I sprained my ankle at work yesterday.. Shit.. It's painful.. And I have to work today... Arghhh.. I guess I have to limp e whole night today at work.. Sigh.. 12 more days to go before I get my full off day.. What should I plan for my birthday?? Hmm.. I've got no idea.. Hahahaha.. Holiday maybe??

My ex fiancée

Old memories of me and Karmilah, my ex fiancée, flashes back in my memory.. It was great to have her by my side that period.. Well, it over now.. Been 4 years since we last met.. The time we were together, we went through a lot of shit together... I still find the cause of our breakup is ridiculous... I'm not in the wrong.. In fact, I was being wronged by her perception.. Sigh..